i had one last miserable conversation with Delma(TJ's Xgf) this weekend.buti had support this time. 2 of my best girls sat around the table with me while she and i talked (with her on speaker of course)
i could never go toe to toe with her b/c i have zero bitchability(and of course that's all she is) - my heart is too deep.and my friends wanted to scream at me for letting her run me over.truth is i choose not to stoop to her level.i never let her under my skin.
she wanted "clarity" b/c she felt like he was lying to her about us being back together so she called me for the truth. in all honesty i kind of took her side from time to time on things - and i'll never get to say this to her b/c i'll never speak to her - but i had to put it into the universe.and if she ever googles her name for some reason maybe it'll smack her in the face!
"if you want your clarity i will give it to you if you will not interupt me with your manipulative tactics.And this will be the last time you EVER call my house or contact anyone in my family again so listen good b/c it's your only chance for clairity:
What you want is closeure.But you won't get it b/c you don't deserve it b/c you put yourself in this situation knowing full well what it could cost you and you have to pick up the pieces on your own.You want to know where i get my strenght from and most of it is by the grace of God and the rest of it is is who I am b/c my heart goes on forever.I am solid and I am true and you are nothing but an empty heartless shell.You will never be FOR him what I have always been TO him and that is why he came back to me.So have a nice life rotting in hell b/c there is no room in our life for you."
and then i will hang up and that will be that.
she was playing a serious cat and mouse game trying to gain my strenght for standing for my marriage so that she could apply it to their relationship and I was done with it.
she said tons of stuff to try and find a chink in my armor so that I'd get pissed at him and let him go once and for all and it just didn't work for her.
I found out alot of crap from her that i didn't want to know and i don't want any more detail about their relationship.It'll make the healing process that much harder and I don't need any more intrusive thoughts standing in the way of what will be a great thing between my husband and me.
the important thing isn't what happened with them then- it's how we move forward as a family now.
I so wish I could have said all of that to her then but I just couldn't make my brain stir up anything remotely bitchesque.It's not me to behave that way.
so now maybe i'll be able to sleep with that off my chest.I'm proud for never giving in.I would always wonder if we would have made it if i never tried to fight for him.
and i'll never take any of her calls again.
TJ sent the majority of his belongings to her house when he left us and if he never gets it back - fine. that stuff can be replaced.our realtionship can't. and if she destroys it that just makes me look that much better b/c all of his stuff that is still here is still in the place he left it.
we move forward from here.you don't get anywhere living in the past.It's not the affair that buggs me.
what hurts the most is knowing that he left us when we need him the most: with a 20 month old toddler and a 3 month old baby. knowing that i have supported him solidly in his career without thinking twice.always being there and guarding the home front the coutless times he's been away without blinking!I may have complained about it but i did a fine job out here on my own! and he left me when i desperately needed him to support me - to take care of me,to be my constant for a change.
we will get thru it.God is on our side.so long as we keep making good decisions and put all our effort in to healing and growing together,God is gunna do the rest.
I told Delma that. That she didn't have a chance.That he would always be a part of our family and he'd always be my husband b/c God was totally on our side and not her's.She asked me where her God was.my respones: I don't know who or where your God is,but it must not be the same God as mine b/c He's pretty friggin awesome!
I'm so proud of myself i could just spit!!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
prayer
Thank you Lord for the new beginning you have created in our life. Thank you for bringing my husband home.This time is different than the last.I know it in my gut.And it's all thanks to you for hearing and answering my prayers.
The road ahead of us is very long and i ask that you give us strength and dedication to eachother and to you.Hold us accountable to make you the center of our life,to build our new life together on your solid foundation.
Continue to speak to me so that i know that i am walking in your way and following your will for my life.
And i pray that you will continually tug at TJ's heart -to bring him in to a place of repentance and humbleness so that he may be made cleansed and renewed in your love.Enable him to come to you for forgiveness so that he will be freed from the guilt he is carrying.
My prodigal spouse has only been brought home by your goodness and faithfulness.it's not going to be easy,but it will be wonderful when our marriage is rebuilt the right way! I pray that you would breath life back into our marriage.rekindeling the love that has dimmed or gone out.
Continue to make us new creations in you.To change our hearts so that we can become the man and woman that you designed us to be.
Thank you that you are restoring our marriage.May it always be used for your Glory!!
psalm 126:3
The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!
The road ahead of us is very long and i ask that you give us strength and dedication to eachother and to you.Hold us accountable to make you the center of our life,to build our new life together on your solid foundation.
Continue to speak to me so that i know that i am walking in your way and following your will for my life.
And i pray that you will continually tug at TJ's heart -to bring him in to a place of repentance and humbleness so that he may be made cleansed and renewed in your love.Enable him to come to you for forgiveness so that he will be freed from the guilt he is carrying.
My prodigal spouse has only been brought home by your goodness and faithfulness.it's not going to be easy,but it will be wonderful when our marriage is rebuilt the right way! I pray that you would breath life back into our marriage.rekindeling the love that has dimmed or gone out.
Continue to make us new creations in you.To change our hearts so that we can become the man and woman that you designed us to be.
Thank you that you are restoring our marriage.May it always be used for your Glory!!
psalm 126:3
The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
unbelieveable
the butthead called last night all crying and pathetic saying "i can't do this anymore.i miss home.i miss the family.i'm calling my attorney and having him throw everything in the trash."
12 hrs later he changed his mind.
i'm going to be put in a mental hospital before this is ever resolved.
12 hrs later he changed his mind.
i'm going to be put in a mental hospital before this is ever resolved.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
now-
it's too bad that i don't know anyone ballsy enough to send these videos off to 'they that shall remain unnamed"
sending it in an email - yeah -it'll never get opened.
maybe they're not even worth my time.
oh well,
ya'll can all dance and sing your hearts out with me!
sending it in an email - yeah -it'll never get opened.
maybe they're not even worth my time.
oh well,
ya'll can all dance and sing your hearts out with me!
Friday, October 16, 2009
random bits and pieces
my kids are growing up!!
natalie is eating 2 different cereals,carrots,squash and apple sauce!!
TJ-everything is followed with the word 'yuck'. i don't know why,but he uses this word like it was 'and'or 'it'.it's part of every normal sentence.
he's also making full sentences.some of them make sense like "let's rock and then go ny-nyte" which comes out "wock wock anen ny-nyte" or "go find a book" which comes out so normal sounding it's amazing!
and then there's the silly stuff like "mama car.byebye-goin,goin" which means "let get in the car and go somewhere!!" which he did to me at 8 this morning.thank God we have errands to do later,he won't be disappointed.
my counselor wants to me start journaling.i don't want to.i hate journaling!! but i bought some fancy pretty pens to help inspire me!
my husband has had some kind of break thru in some sense b/c he actually admitted the other day that he has been feeling 'so empty'. of couse that was in the same conversation we had about the kids where he wanted me to tell them he'd be here to pick them up on thanksgiving.
kids have no concept of time.so if he comes and gets them great.but i'm not making a big deal out of it.he hasn't been to see them since august and other time he was supposed to see them sense then he always bailed.
he said "i'm not gunna come to town and not see them over the holiday" and i replied with "oh?like you haven't been NOT not seeing them this whole time?"
he said "i know.i got back to el paso and i've just felt so empty"
that could mean anything.
i'm not reading in to it.
but i was glad to see some sort of emotion in him other than self defense.
oh,and the COL is supposed to be evaluating his emotional state this week.
i woudln't care that he's acting crazy if he wasn't deploying.but he's not using good judgement,he's had a very irrational selfish way of thinking as of late so i finally told someone i thought his mental state of mind wasn't what it should be for going in to battle.
he's going to be furious with me. i'd rather they evaluate him and find nothing wrong other than that he's pissed at me -than not say anything and have something horrible happen b/c his decision making process isn't functioning properly.
i'll elaborate on what makes me think he's nuts later.
i have to go get lunch going!
natalie is eating 2 different cereals,carrots,squash and apple sauce!!
TJ-everything is followed with the word 'yuck'. i don't know why,but he uses this word like it was 'and'or 'it'.it's part of every normal sentence.
he's also making full sentences.some of them make sense like "let's rock and then go ny-nyte" which comes out "wock wock anen ny-nyte" or "go find a book" which comes out so normal sounding it's amazing!
and then there's the silly stuff like "mama car.byebye-goin,goin" which means "let get in the car and go somewhere!!" which he did to me at 8 this morning.thank God we have errands to do later,he won't be disappointed.
my counselor wants to me start journaling.i don't want to.i hate journaling!! but i bought some fancy pretty pens to help inspire me!
my husband has had some kind of break thru in some sense b/c he actually admitted the other day that he has been feeling 'so empty'. of couse that was in the same conversation we had about the kids where he wanted me to tell them he'd be here to pick them up on thanksgiving.
kids have no concept of time.so if he comes and gets them great.but i'm not making a big deal out of it.he hasn't been to see them since august and other time he was supposed to see them sense then he always bailed.
he said "i'm not gunna come to town and not see them over the holiday" and i replied with "oh?like you haven't been NOT not seeing them this whole time?"
he said "i know.i got back to el paso and i've just felt so empty"
that could mean anything.
i'm not reading in to it.
but i was glad to see some sort of emotion in him other than self defense.
oh,and the COL is supposed to be evaluating his emotional state this week.
i woudln't care that he's acting crazy if he wasn't deploying.but he's not using good judgement,he's had a very irrational selfish way of thinking as of late so i finally told someone i thought his mental state of mind wasn't what it should be for going in to battle.
he's going to be furious with me. i'd rather they evaluate him and find nothing wrong other than that he's pissed at me -than not say anything and have something horrible happen b/c his decision making process isn't functioning properly.
i'll elaborate on what makes me think he's nuts later.
i have to go get lunch going!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
getting started
well,the judge awarded me child support and temp.spousal support in the amount of 3800 a month.the child support will continue on but the spousal support has a year cap on it.
we're also supposed to be selling the house.i was kind of weezled in to agreeing to it even though i wanted to keep it.i mean,really,who's going to refinance the house to me?i don't have a job yet.
i'm working on it,but it's not gunna happen over night.
so i have to figure out how to buy TJ out.in order to keep it.there's some folks crunching numbers for me.we'll see what kind of options i have.
i also have a neighbor that's willing to watch the kids long term for very little,so if i can get a job,and i have my child support,we could make it here. i'm just trying to get it started.
i can't wait too long.it was put in a legal agreement that i'd put it on the market.of course i can try and buy it from TJ but i can't take too long or i'll get in trouble for not listing it.
other than that the judge ordered that no 'paramours" are to be around our kids at all.THANK GOD!!
we had it put in our little temporary agreement that there were to be no 'paramours' around between the hrs of 8 pm and 8 am if the kids were present.of course that took care of TJ trying to fly the kids up to colorado,and that took care of HER coming here b/c what's TJ gunna do,put her up in a hotel at night?doubtful. so the judge ruled it in the best interest of the children that "no paramours around the kids at all while we're still married". besides that the judge asked for a good reason he should allow it and all's my attorney said was "we don't have an issue judge" and TJ's attorney said "well, i think we're all in understanding that someone is going to move on at some point"
so of course then the judge spoke directly to TJ's table and said not at all.
i had 2 victories in court atleast.the money and his lover not having access to our kids.(the 2 things that would piss him off the most) i'm not happy about the house thing.but if it's ment to be God'll make us a way to stay.and there's that matter of TJ having sole possession of the kids for the 4 days he's home in november and then the 2 weeks of R&R next year -but he was supposed to come see them 3 times last weekend and he didn't,and it's doubtful he'll follow thru at seeing them much at all.maybe some,but not the whole time.he wouldn't know what to do with both of them.not to mention that's roughly 9 months from now,what's to say the kids aren't going to kick up a fuss at the sight of him anyway?
so that's an update.
i'm still holding out some hope and faith that he's going to come around and want us again but it's not hindering my thought process for moving forward and starting a new life.
i will keep you updated as things unfold!
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:22-26
we're also supposed to be selling the house.i was kind of weezled in to agreeing to it even though i wanted to keep it.i mean,really,who's going to refinance the house to me?i don't have a job yet.
i'm working on it,but it's not gunna happen over night.
so i have to figure out how to buy TJ out.in order to keep it.there's some folks crunching numbers for me.we'll see what kind of options i have.
i also have a neighbor that's willing to watch the kids long term for very little,so if i can get a job,and i have my child support,we could make it here. i'm just trying to get it started.
i can't wait too long.it was put in a legal agreement that i'd put it on the market.of course i can try and buy it from TJ but i can't take too long or i'll get in trouble for not listing it.
other than that the judge ordered that no 'paramours" are to be around our kids at all.THANK GOD!!
we had it put in our little temporary agreement that there were to be no 'paramours' around between the hrs of 8 pm and 8 am if the kids were present.of course that took care of TJ trying to fly the kids up to colorado,and that took care of HER coming here b/c what's TJ gunna do,put her up in a hotel at night?doubtful. so the judge ruled it in the best interest of the children that "no paramours around the kids at all while we're still married". besides that the judge asked for a good reason he should allow it and all's my attorney said was "we don't have an issue judge" and TJ's attorney said "well, i think we're all in understanding that someone is going to move on at some point"
so of course then the judge spoke directly to TJ's table and said not at all.
i had 2 victories in court atleast.the money and his lover not having access to our kids.(the 2 things that would piss him off the most) i'm not happy about the house thing.but if it's ment to be God'll make us a way to stay.and there's that matter of TJ having sole possession of the kids for the 4 days he's home in november and then the 2 weeks of R&R next year -but he was supposed to come see them 3 times last weekend and he didn't,and it's doubtful he'll follow thru at seeing them much at all.maybe some,but not the whole time.he wouldn't know what to do with both of them.not to mention that's roughly 9 months from now,what's to say the kids aren't going to kick up a fuss at the sight of him anyway?
so that's an update.
i'm still holding out some hope and faith that he's going to come around and want us again but it's not hindering my thought process for moving forward and starting a new life.
i will keep you updated as things unfold!
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:22-26
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
going overboard
here's another post. found a wonderful website called rejoiceministries.org.
i know i'm being silly today but i really like how this sounds.if i thought my husband would receieve it from me i'd send it to him. but he wouldn't read it.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE GRACE OF GOD
SOME OTHER MAN-
could be praying with my wife today.
could be hearing my wife say, "that's all right."
could know what it's like to play with my grandchildren.
could be getting goose bumps when my wife says, "I'm proud of you."
could enjoy having my wife call him, "Honey."
could be sitting in church with my wife.
could be feasting on my wife's cooking.
could know how it feels to hold hands with my wife.
could know what it's like to be intimate with my wife.
could be with my wife, children, and grandchildren on holidays.
BUT NO OTHER MAN-
could ever love my wife as I do.
could ever call my wife his covenant wife.
could ever know what it's like to be one flesh with my wife.
could ever love my children and grandchildren as I do.
could ever tap into the early memories of our marriage.
could ever have his family loved by my wife as is mine.
could ever know my wife on a real wedding night.
could ever look into my wife's eyes and know what she is feeling.
could ever really know that God had blessed their marriage.
could ever say nothing, yet communicate with my wife.
could hear my wife say, "I forgive you" and know that she has.
-Bob Steinkamp
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."Genesis 2:24
and then this is part of the devotional today on endurance. it was really good. this is just the last thing the woman said:
One of the secrets of endurance is being inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Your Lord has given you promises to you for you to develop endurance and patience for your marriage to be renewed, restored and reconciled by your Lord. Don't give up, run the race to win the prize that the Lord has for you and your family.
"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith." I Timothy 6:11-12
i know i'm being silly today but i really like how this sounds.if i thought my husband would receieve it from me i'd send it to him. but he wouldn't read it.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE GRACE OF GOD
SOME OTHER MAN-
could be praying with my wife today.
could be hearing my wife say, "that's all right."
could know what it's like to play with my grandchildren.
could be getting goose bumps when my wife says, "I'm proud of you."
could enjoy having my wife call him, "Honey."
could be sitting in church with my wife.
could be feasting on my wife's cooking.
could know how it feels to hold hands with my wife.
could know what it's like to be intimate with my wife.
could be with my wife, children, and grandchildren on holidays.
BUT NO OTHER MAN-
could ever love my wife as I do.
could ever call my wife his covenant wife.
could ever know what it's like to be one flesh with my wife.
could ever love my children and grandchildren as I do.
could ever tap into the early memories of our marriage.
could ever have his family loved by my wife as is mine.
could ever know my wife on a real wedding night.
could ever look into my wife's eyes and know what she is feeling.
could ever really know that God had blessed their marriage.
could ever say nothing, yet communicate with my wife.
could hear my wife say, "I forgive you" and know that she has.
-Bob Steinkamp
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."Genesis 2:24
and then this is part of the devotional today on endurance. it was really good. this is just the last thing the woman said:
One of the secrets of endurance is being inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Your Lord has given you promises to you for you to develop endurance and patience for your marriage to be renewed, restored and reconciled by your Lord. Don't give up, run the race to win the prize that the Lord has for you and your family.
"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith." I Timothy 6:11-12
i can't even think of a good title today.
i am zapped.
the kids are napping.
today has been a quiet day. no drama so far.
just silence.
i think that's going to be the hardest part to get over.
i can't just pick up the phone and call him b/c i want to.i can't just call to say hi.i can't just call to tell him some great story about the kids.i can't just call to say good night.and i am done telling him i love him.he knows.
it's time to have hope in God that TJ will have a repentant heart and come to him. God will change his heart when he's ready to.i also believe that no man can do what TJ has done and not come to place of complete repentance and heartache over how he has destroyed his life.
i don't believe that God is destroying us.I believe that he is making life hard for us so that we will lean on Him and seek out his help.I'm there. I just hope that TJ doesn't wait too long to answer his calling.
I know it's hard to believe that i would take him back.even i am amazed at how solidly i feel that way.of course there would be some serious boundaries set -it would be months before he even lived here again.and i would have to sit down and think what it would look like for him to be in a relationship with me again -there would be serious trust to rebuild.it can be done. but he's not going to like it.if he chooses us i have a plan for how it would have to look to even try, until then, this is why i am standing today to fight for my husband - and if he chooses us i believe that with God all things are possible.and without Him we would be nothing.
A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
- Author Unknown
"Do you believe that I am able to do this? According to your faith will it be done to you." Matthew 9:28-29
i am zapped.
the kids are napping.
today has been a quiet day. no drama so far.
just silence.
i think that's going to be the hardest part to get over.
i can't just pick up the phone and call him b/c i want to.i can't just call to say hi.i can't just call to tell him some great story about the kids.i can't just call to say good night.and i am done telling him i love him.he knows.
it's time to have hope in God that TJ will have a repentant heart and come to him. God will change his heart when he's ready to.i also believe that no man can do what TJ has done and not come to place of complete repentance and heartache over how he has destroyed his life.
i don't believe that God is destroying us.I believe that he is making life hard for us so that we will lean on Him and seek out his help.I'm there. I just hope that TJ doesn't wait too long to answer his calling.
I know it's hard to believe that i would take him back.even i am amazed at how solidly i feel that way.of course there would be some serious boundaries set -it would be months before he even lived here again.and i would have to sit down and think what it would look like for him to be in a relationship with me again -there would be serious trust to rebuild.it can be done. but he's not going to like it.if he chooses us i have a plan for how it would have to look to even try, until then, this is why i am standing today to fight for my husband - and if he chooses us i believe that with God all things are possible.and without Him we would be nothing.
A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
- Author Unknown
"Do you believe that I am able to do this? According to your faith will it be done to you." Matthew 9:28-29
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Left Behind
my husband left me.
for another woman.
3 weeks ago.
he told me that he hadn't been happy for a long time.
but rather than put me thru the strain of marrital strife (since i was pregnant with natalie at the time his unhappiness supposedly started) he decided to remain silent.
then, when he had decided what he was going to do - he came to me and said he simply wanted a divorce. no if's and or butts about it. not working on it. not trying. no chaning. no nothing. he was just done.
he told me all of this on august 18. we went to the counselor b/c he wanted some validation basically that it was better for us to call it quits before the deployment or wait it out and seek counseling in a year when he got back. of course the counselor said we were great. he told TJ that if we were a complete train wreck and there was no chance he'd let us know that we were done.
the following weekend Tj went away for 4 days to "clear his head and think.somewhere where there were no people and no phone calls and it was just him sorting his thoughts."
i let him go thinking he'd seek out good counsel among some of his close friends and they'd give him the kick in the ass he needed. he wouldn't tell me where he was going. but i made him tell someone so that if i needed him in an emergency someone knew where to find him.
that sunday he sent me a text "i'll be home by midnight".
he never came to bed though.
the next day i asked him where he was. he said "around". i told him that wasn't an answer. he said he went to enchanted rock. (i knew he was lying. we don't live 5 hrs away from enchanted rock.he would have been home before midnight if he had been there.
the next day i went to a friends house and left TJ with the kids all day just to kind of throw reality at him a little bit.
i searched his phone records.
i came across a billion phone calls to ft collins col. and finally came across a call that was nearly 4 hrs long. and then several more that were almost just as long.late at night. my friend called the number.it was a woman on the voice mail.
i confronted him.
he finally admitted that he had spent his 4 day soul searching journey with her(stupid mother fucker!excuse my french!).
he filed for divorce on aug 26.
he has spent almost 14oo$ on plane tickets to see her in the last 2 weeks.
more truth keeps coming out as time goes on. he's had 3 relationships with 3 other women in the last 3 years.(1 of those could easily have been a one night stand but the other 2 were more)
i have been dropped on my ass.
left in the dirt.
someone ran off with the wagon and i got dumped out on my head.
a friend of mine told me tonight that she was amazed at my uncontrolled grace.she said that she would have shot someone by now -or at the very least taken a baseball bat to her husbands truck.
i don't know what's going to happen. i am so devistated that i don't even know where to begin to get angry. it's just not there.
his girlfriend called me the other night(i've talked to her quite a bit and there' alot of details i'm leaving out and when it's not the middle of the night i'll give you all the gory details.) she said she felt like tj was being very open and honest and that we needed to try and come to an agreement about either how we were goint to get thru this and be happy or how we were going to come to an agreement for a divorce decree.
she told TJ he needed to tell me what was wrong with the relationship that he had been hiding.
he said that i "didn't take care of myself like i used to......(b/c we met in the gym and i don't go anymore. forget that i've had 2 babies in 2 years and have next to no time for myself b/c he is NEVER home to give me a break) and that i wasn't an asset to society.
what the fuck does that mean?
his little friend even told him to be careful what he said to me b/c he was making me feel like i was nothing. she also stuck up for me in the sense that she had no idea how he could not love me b/c i had such a big heart. and the hardest job in the world is wanting to be home to raise my babies to be good ppl. and how could i not be an asset to society if i was raising my babies to be good assets to society?
yeah her tune eventually changed towards me but she was on my side at first.
anyway, i am no longer accepting phone calls from either of them. next time she calls i will talk to her long enough to say 'you are wrong. this is inappropriate.you aren't my friend.do not call me again."
and i will talk to him long enough to tell him i will no longer speak to him with out a third part present that i trust -my lawyer my parents or my neighbors - and if he wants to see the kids he gets to see them outside of this house. i will meet him somewhere and we will talk about nothing but those babies.
he is trying to convience himself that i don't matter to make himself feel better about his actions.,that's why he has said all that bullshit.i know that. but i am so very angry that he could even feel that way. what does he expect? NAT isn't even 5 months old yet.i will NEVER look like i did when i was 20 again.the house will never be completely neat and tidy b/c there's toys everywhere.and fuck society!! just b/c i don't get paid to stay home and nutrure my kids and grow them into the little people that i want them to be does not by any means mean i am worthless!! if anything i'd say i'm pretty damn great!
and 2LT -i'm -too -big -for- my -britches can go to hell! he still doesn't have his college degree-granted he's working on it i wouldn't say he's such a great man at all.
the last 3 years of my life have been a whole lie!
now i love my babies. i wouldn't trade them for the world! but there are here b/c he had the preconceieved notion that they would fix everything! and that was his main motive for making them. to cover up the mess that i was totally oblivious too.
i had no idea.
none.
that this was coming.
he dropped a bomb in my lap without a thought.
he even told me he didn't love me and was choosing this other girl.
he will never be happy.
so long as our mess follows him around for the rest of his life -and it will- b/c he didn't do anything to fix it and heal it -he will never be happy b/c he will bring our unresolved issues in to all of his next relationships.
and ya know what? i will be free from any guilt. b/c this is not my fault. he even told our counselor there was nothing i was doing to make him unahppy. he just didn't love me anymore.
see?
he just wants to do what he wants to do.
it's purely selfish.
he will pay for his mistakes dearly one day. he will be crushed under the weight of all the lies he has told and all the running away he did.he's going to wake up and be totally alone b/c all of his motives are purely selfish.and when he come back to reality and realizes that he ripped his life apart with his bare hands he will be brought to his knees and there will be no one to help him pick up the pieces.
side note:
call me completely nuts b/c even i think i am nuts.but i have faith in love and God and restoration. i believe that if he chose to come back to us we could make it work. not without years and tons of hard hard work and trust buliding again.but we could get there if given the right kind of help.my neighbors are living proof that you can take the crappiest of marriages and rebuild them to be better than you ever dreamed possible.but right now it's time to let him go.and it would take me some time to even think about what things would have to look like to me for us to be together. i am in the driver seat now.
i'm not signing off on the divorce b/c we aren't in agreement anyway. that gives God enough time to scare him so bad in iraq that he gets a major wake up call and be completely sick over what he has done.that gives him enough time to be so scared(and that day will come)that he will want nothing more than the comforts of home-the last 9 years of his life -the comfortable sweet sound of his wife's voice.and all's he gunna want is to come home -or to call. and he won't even be able to.b/c he destroyed home for him.
and if he doesn't atleast one day i will be able to tell my children that mommy didn't give up on daddy after 3 weeks.she gave him plenty of time to come back first.
i think if nothing else we should try to go to counseling just so that if things can be rebuilt our kids would know what it means to have a happy whole healthy family.
he needs to break the cycle of divorce in his life. the past doesn't rule him.(there's been a lot of instability and divorce in his childhood)he says he will break the cycle with this other girl.that doesn't mean he's breaking the cycle for himslef by divorcing me and sticking withsomeone else. and it certainly doesn't break the cycle for his kids.
anyway, i'm going to go to bed. it's been an awful 3 weeks.
i'll give you all the crazy details later.
for another woman.
3 weeks ago.
he told me that he hadn't been happy for a long time.
but rather than put me thru the strain of marrital strife (since i was pregnant with natalie at the time his unhappiness supposedly started) he decided to remain silent.
then, when he had decided what he was going to do - he came to me and said he simply wanted a divorce. no if's and or butts about it. not working on it. not trying. no chaning. no nothing. he was just done.
he told me all of this on august 18. we went to the counselor b/c he wanted some validation basically that it was better for us to call it quits before the deployment or wait it out and seek counseling in a year when he got back. of course the counselor said we were great. he told TJ that if we were a complete train wreck and there was no chance he'd let us know that we were done.
the following weekend Tj went away for 4 days to "clear his head and think.somewhere where there were no people and no phone calls and it was just him sorting his thoughts."
i let him go thinking he'd seek out good counsel among some of his close friends and they'd give him the kick in the ass he needed. he wouldn't tell me where he was going. but i made him tell someone so that if i needed him in an emergency someone knew where to find him.
that sunday he sent me a text "i'll be home by midnight".
he never came to bed though.
the next day i asked him where he was. he said "around". i told him that wasn't an answer. he said he went to enchanted rock. (i knew he was lying. we don't live 5 hrs away from enchanted rock.he would have been home before midnight if he had been there.
the next day i went to a friends house and left TJ with the kids all day just to kind of throw reality at him a little bit.
i searched his phone records.
i came across a billion phone calls to ft collins col. and finally came across a call that was nearly 4 hrs long. and then several more that were almost just as long.late at night. my friend called the number.it was a woman on the voice mail.
i confronted him.
he finally admitted that he had spent his 4 day soul searching journey with her(stupid mother fucker!excuse my french!).
he filed for divorce on aug 26.
he has spent almost 14oo$ on plane tickets to see her in the last 2 weeks.
more truth keeps coming out as time goes on. he's had 3 relationships with 3 other women in the last 3 years.(1 of those could easily have been a one night stand but the other 2 were more)
i have been dropped on my ass.
left in the dirt.
someone ran off with the wagon and i got dumped out on my head.
a friend of mine told me tonight that she was amazed at my uncontrolled grace.she said that she would have shot someone by now -or at the very least taken a baseball bat to her husbands truck.
i don't know what's going to happen. i am so devistated that i don't even know where to begin to get angry. it's just not there.
his girlfriend called me the other night(i've talked to her quite a bit and there' alot of details i'm leaving out and when it's not the middle of the night i'll give you all the gory details.) she said she felt like tj was being very open and honest and that we needed to try and come to an agreement about either how we were goint to get thru this and be happy or how we were going to come to an agreement for a divorce decree.
she told TJ he needed to tell me what was wrong with the relationship that he had been hiding.
he said that i "didn't take care of myself like i used to......(b/c we met in the gym and i don't go anymore. forget that i've had 2 babies in 2 years and have next to no time for myself b/c he is NEVER home to give me a break) and that i wasn't an asset to society.
what the fuck does that mean?
his little friend even told him to be careful what he said to me b/c he was making me feel like i was nothing. she also stuck up for me in the sense that she had no idea how he could not love me b/c i had such a big heart. and the hardest job in the world is wanting to be home to raise my babies to be good ppl. and how could i not be an asset to society if i was raising my babies to be good assets to society?
yeah her tune eventually changed towards me but she was on my side at first.
anyway, i am no longer accepting phone calls from either of them. next time she calls i will talk to her long enough to say 'you are wrong. this is inappropriate.you aren't my friend.do not call me again."
and i will talk to him long enough to tell him i will no longer speak to him with out a third part present that i trust -my lawyer my parents or my neighbors - and if he wants to see the kids he gets to see them outside of this house. i will meet him somewhere and we will talk about nothing but those babies.
he is trying to convience himself that i don't matter to make himself feel better about his actions.,that's why he has said all that bullshit.i know that. but i am so very angry that he could even feel that way. what does he expect? NAT isn't even 5 months old yet.i will NEVER look like i did when i was 20 again.the house will never be completely neat and tidy b/c there's toys everywhere.and fuck society!! just b/c i don't get paid to stay home and nutrure my kids and grow them into the little people that i want them to be does not by any means mean i am worthless!! if anything i'd say i'm pretty damn great!
and 2LT -i'm -too -big -for- my -britches can go to hell! he still doesn't have his college degree-granted he's working on it i wouldn't say he's such a great man at all.
the last 3 years of my life have been a whole lie!
now i love my babies. i wouldn't trade them for the world! but there are here b/c he had the preconceieved notion that they would fix everything! and that was his main motive for making them. to cover up the mess that i was totally oblivious too.
i had no idea.
none.
that this was coming.
he dropped a bomb in my lap without a thought.
he even told me he didn't love me and was choosing this other girl.
he will never be happy.
so long as our mess follows him around for the rest of his life -and it will- b/c he didn't do anything to fix it and heal it -he will never be happy b/c he will bring our unresolved issues in to all of his next relationships.
and ya know what? i will be free from any guilt. b/c this is not my fault. he even told our counselor there was nothing i was doing to make him unahppy. he just didn't love me anymore.
see?
he just wants to do what he wants to do.
it's purely selfish.
he will pay for his mistakes dearly one day. he will be crushed under the weight of all the lies he has told and all the running away he did.he's going to wake up and be totally alone b/c all of his motives are purely selfish.and when he come back to reality and realizes that he ripped his life apart with his bare hands he will be brought to his knees and there will be no one to help him pick up the pieces.
side note:
call me completely nuts b/c even i think i am nuts.but i have faith in love and God and restoration. i believe that if he chose to come back to us we could make it work. not without years and tons of hard hard work and trust buliding again.but we could get there if given the right kind of help.my neighbors are living proof that you can take the crappiest of marriages and rebuild them to be better than you ever dreamed possible.but right now it's time to let him go.and it would take me some time to even think about what things would have to look like to me for us to be together. i am in the driver seat now.
i'm not signing off on the divorce b/c we aren't in agreement anyway. that gives God enough time to scare him so bad in iraq that he gets a major wake up call and be completely sick over what he has done.that gives him enough time to be so scared(and that day will come)that he will want nothing more than the comforts of home-the last 9 years of his life -the comfortable sweet sound of his wife's voice.and all's he gunna want is to come home -or to call. and he won't even be able to.b/c he destroyed home for him.
and if he doesn't atleast one day i will be able to tell my children that mommy didn't give up on daddy after 3 weeks.she gave him plenty of time to come back first.
i think if nothing else we should try to go to counseling just so that if things can be rebuilt our kids would know what it means to have a happy whole healthy family.
he needs to break the cycle of divorce in his life. the past doesn't rule him.(there's been a lot of instability and divorce in his childhood)he says he will break the cycle with this other girl.that doesn't mean he's breaking the cycle for himslef by divorcing me and sticking withsomeone else. and it certainly doesn't break the cycle for his kids.
anyway, i'm going to go to bed. it's been an awful 3 weeks.
i'll give you all the crazy details later.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
flat daddy
is this a GREAT IDEA or what??
of course it makes me want to sit down and cry! but what doesn't these days??
i'm going to order one -it's 50$. but i'd rather pay for one and have it be perfect than try and make one of my own and screw it up.not to mention my time is already very limited.
http://flatdaddies.com/
http://www.imalreadyhome.com/flatdaddy.htm
TJ leaves in a month.it takes 3 weeks to get a 'flat daddy' but i think with the kids being so young it's necessary.
sorry i've been gone so long.i'm starting to have more snippets of time here and there so i'll be putting up more stuff soon.
especially pictures!!!!
of course it makes me want to sit down and cry! but what doesn't these days??
i'm going to order one -it's 50$. but i'd rather pay for one and have it be perfect than try and make one of my own and screw it up.not to mention my time is already very limited.
http://flatdaddies.com/
http://www.imalreadyhome.com/flatdaddy.htm
TJ leaves in a month.it takes 3 weeks to get a 'flat daddy' but i think with the kids being so young it's necessary.
sorry i've been gone so long.i'm starting to have more snippets of time here and there so i'll be putting up more stuff soon.
especially pictures!!!!
Monday, June 15, 2009
pictures
daddy and me
daddy's DP boxers
sweetness
more sweetness
i have no words for how cute!
sugar and spice
sweet dreams
strawberry fun at camping!
you lookin' at me?
inks lake tradition
floatin the lake
more floating fun
TJ and the duck
popcicle face
happy baby
Monday, June 8, 2009
oh my gosh!
SHADES~
I AM SO SORRY that i've been so out of touch! PLEASE CALL whenever you feel like it! if i'm sleeping i don't answer the phones anyway. TJ is gone back to work now so we're kind of on a better routine anyway. i miss you!! i hope you get to come visit soon!
VP and SWG ~ thanks for the support! teege isn't so jealous anymore. he actually comes and gets me now when Nat cries -even if she's in the same room as we are. and if she's asleep he's constantly letting out a string of "sissy. sissy." and standing by her door.
a few notes:
TJ has learned how to say grammy -but it comes out Gingy.i like it. i know it's wierd. but it's super cute."gingy" it's like the perfect attempt at saying something.
we're getting a new roof this week so we escaped to moms and dads this week.
TJ is gone for 3 weeks for pre mob training. he deploys in about 3 months.well- he doesn't leave country til the end of the year, but he'll be at his mob station training for about 6 months -and he's going to be far enough away that we won't see him but for a snatch of time at thanksgiving.
baby Nat is perfect in every way! she's happy so long as she is fed and rested. she's not terribly fussy like teege was at all.it's been a blessing that she is so easy.especially since my help is limited from day to day.
i'll try and add more later and get some pics up soon as Nat is almost 7 weeks old now.right now though i have to go feed her so we can go and visit my nana since we're in town.
and i'm going to bealls b/c their bathing suits are on sale and i need one.
hope all is well with everyone and i'll try and make it over to your bloggs soon!
I AM SO SORRY that i've been so out of touch! PLEASE CALL whenever you feel like it! if i'm sleeping i don't answer the phones anyway. TJ is gone back to work now so we're kind of on a better routine anyway. i miss you!! i hope you get to come visit soon!
VP and SWG ~ thanks for the support! teege isn't so jealous anymore. he actually comes and gets me now when Nat cries -even if she's in the same room as we are. and if she's asleep he's constantly letting out a string of "sissy. sissy." and standing by her door.
a few notes:
TJ has learned how to say grammy -but it comes out Gingy.i like it. i know it's wierd. but it's super cute."gingy" it's like the perfect attempt at saying something.
we're getting a new roof this week so we escaped to moms and dads this week.
TJ is gone for 3 weeks for pre mob training. he deploys in about 3 months.well- he doesn't leave country til the end of the year, but he'll be at his mob station training for about 6 months -and he's going to be far enough away that we won't see him but for a snatch of time at thanksgiving.
baby Nat is perfect in every way! she's happy so long as she is fed and rested. she's not terribly fussy like teege was at all.it's been a blessing that she is so easy.especially since my help is limited from day to day.
i'll try and add more later and get some pics up soon as Nat is almost 7 weeks old now.right now though i have to go feed her so we can go and visit my nana since we're in town.
and i'm going to bealls b/c their bathing suits are on sale and i need one.
hope all is well with everyone and i'll try and make it over to your bloggs soon!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
a few minutes
thanks for all the comments ladies!
we are all doing well.
a little tired. but that's getting better too.
natalie eats pretty well though we certainly had our fair share of issues in the first week and she sleeps pretty good so far.
we have had to put her in her swing at night at times to get her back to sleep; it's one of those papasaun chair swings(however you spell it) so it lays back flat like a craddel.but she's managing her nights and days better.
we had some issues with jaundice(mostly my over cautious dr again i think.) natalie was as orange as a carrot when she was 5 days old. they had us taking her out in to the light(which there was none b/c it was so darn cloudy) to help them come down and told me to feed her a lot,but her bili levels dropped the day she was a week old, just like every one said they would. but the drs have to keep an eye on it. if the bili levels get too high in rare causes it can cause brain damage(and death though i don't know that any baby has ever died from it). they were going to send us to the hospital for daily light therapy if she didn't get better. but all is well now.
teege is still doing pretty good with her. he still gets jealous, of his daddy and his new sister! LOL! but he's coping. i just make sure he's getting lots of one on one time with mommy and that when sister is awake i try and pay more attention to him when i can.he responds to her alot better if i refer to her as "your baby" when talking to him about her. seems to make him feel more like she's his than mine.
anyway i gotta run. the little one will be calling for the boob any second now.
i'll try and put up some current pics soon!
we are all doing well.
a little tired. but that's getting better too.
natalie eats pretty well though we certainly had our fair share of issues in the first week and she sleeps pretty good so far.
we have had to put her in her swing at night at times to get her back to sleep; it's one of those papasaun chair swings(however you spell it) so it lays back flat like a craddel.but she's managing her nights and days better.
we had some issues with jaundice(mostly my over cautious dr again i think.) natalie was as orange as a carrot when she was 5 days old. they had us taking her out in to the light(which there was none b/c it was so darn cloudy) to help them come down and told me to feed her a lot,but her bili levels dropped the day she was a week old, just like every one said they would. but the drs have to keep an eye on it. if the bili levels get too high in rare causes it can cause brain damage(and death though i don't know that any baby has ever died from it). they were going to send us to the hospital for daily light therapy if she didn't get better. but all is well now.
teege is still doing pretty good with her. he still gets jealous, of his daddy and his new sister! LOL! but he's coping. i just make sure he's getting lots of one on one time with mommy and that when sister is awake i try and pay more attention to him when i can.he responds to her alot better if i refer to her as "your baby" when talking to him about her. seems to make him feel more like she's his than mine.
anyway i gotta run. the little one will be calling for the boob any second now.
i'll try and put up some current pics soon!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
introducing baby natalie joy!
hello all!
here's some pictures of our newest addition!
the basics:
7lbs 10 oz
19 inches
born at 11 15am on april 23
natalie is doing well as are the rest of us. it's funny how much easier things have seemed the 2nd time around. from the beginning to now things have just felt so much better than when teege was born. the delivery was so easy it was almost funny. i was so nervous about inducing and it turned out to be a breeze!
things are going so great i wonder sometimes if i'm dreaming.
i'll be around again soon! enjoy the pictures!
here's some pictures of our newest addition!
the basics:
7lbs 10 oz
19 inches
born at 11 15am on april 23
natalie is doing well as are the rest of us. it's funny how much easier things have seemed the 2nd time around. from the beginning to now things have just felt so much better than when teege was born. the delivery was so easy it was almost funny. i was so nervous about inducing and it turned out to be a breeze!
things are going so great i wonder sometimes if i'm dreaming.
i'll be around again soon! enjoy the pictures!
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