Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
random bits and pieces
my kids are growing up!!
natalie is eating 2 different cereals,carrots,squash and apple sauce!!
TJ-everything is followed with the word 'yuck'. i don't know why,but he uses this word like it was 'and'or 'it'.it's part of every normal sentence.
he's also making full sentences.some of them make sense like "let's rock and then go ny-nyte" which comes out "wock wock anen ny-nyte" or "go find a book" which comes out so normal sounding it's amazing!
and then there's the silly stuff like "mama car.byebye-goin,goin" which means "let get in the car and go somewhere!!" which he did to me at 8 this morning.thank God we have errands to do later,he won't be disappointed.
my counselor wants to me start journaling.i don't want to.i hate journaling!! but i bought some fancy pretty pens to help inspire me!
my husband has had some kind of break thru in some sense b/c he actually admitted the other day that he has been feeling 'so empty'. of couse that was in the same conversation we had about the kids where he wanted me to tell them he'd be here to pick them up on thanksgiving.
kids have no concept of time.so if he comes and gets them great.but i'm not making a big deal out of it.he hasn't been to see them since august and other time he was supposed to see them sense then he always bailed.
he said "i'm not gunna come to town and not see them over the holiday" and i replied with "oh?like you haven't been NOT not seeing them this whole time?"
he said "i know.i got back to el paso and i've just felt so empty"
that could mean anything.
i'm not reading in to it.
but i was glad to see some sort of emotion in him other than self defense.
oh,and the COL is supposed to be evaluating his emotional state this week.
i woudln't care that he's acting crazy if he wasn't deploying.but he's not using good judgement,he's had a very irrational selfish way of thinking as of late so i finally told someone i thought his mental state of mind wasn't what it should be for going in to battle.
he's going to be furious with me. i'd rather they evaluate him and find nothing wrong other than that he's pissed at me -than not say anything and have something horrible happen b/c his decision making process isn't functioning properly.
i'll elaborate on what makes me think he's nuts later.
i have to go get lunch going!
natalie is eating 2 different cereals,carrots,squash and apple sauce!!
TJ-everything is followed with the word 'yuck'. i don't know why,but he uses this word like it was 'and'or 'it'.it's part of every normal sentence.
he's also making full sentences.some of them make sense like "let's rock and then go ny-nyte" which comes out "wock wock anen ny-nyte" or "go find a book" which comes out so normal sounding it's amazing!
and then there's the silly stuff like "mama car.byebye-goin,goin" which means "let get in the car and go somewhere!!" which he did to me at 8 this morning.thank God we have errands to do later,he won't be disappointed.
my counselor wants to me start journaling.i don't want to.i hate journaling!! but i bought some fancy pretty pens to help inspire me!
my husband has had some kind of break thru in some sense b/c he actually admitted the other day that he has been feeling 'so empty'. of couse that was in the same conversation we had about the kids where he wanted me to tell them he'd be here to pick them up on thanksgiving.
kids have no concept of time.so if he comes and gets them great.but i'm not making a big deal out of it.he hasn't been to see them since august and other time he was supposed to see them sense then he always bailed.
he said "i'm not gunna come to town and not see them over the holiday" and i replied with "oh?like you haven't been NOT not seeing them this whole time?"
he said "i know.i got back to el paso and i've just felt so empty"
that could mean anything.
i'm not reading in to it.
but i was glad to see some sort of emotion in him other than self defense.
oh,and the COL is supposed to be evaluating his emotional state this week.
i woudln't care that he's acting crazy if he wasn't deploying.but he's not using good judgement,he's had a very irrational selfish way of thinking as of late so i finally told someone i thought his mental state of mind wasn't what it should be for going in to battle.
he's going to be furious with me. i'd rather they evaluate him and find nothing wrong other than that he's pissed at me -than not say anything and have something horrible happen b/c his decision making process isn't functioning properly.
i'll elaborate on what makes me think he's nuts later.
i have to go get lunch going!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
getting started
well,the judge awarded me child support and temp.spousal support in the amount of 3800 a month.the child support will continue on but the spousal support has a year cap on it.
we're also supposed to be selling the house.i was kind of weezled in to agreeing to it even though i wanted to keep it.i mean,really,who's going to refinance the house to me?i don't have a job yet.
i'm working on it,but it's not gunna happen over night.
so i have to figure out how to buy TJ out.in order to keep it.there's some folks crunching numbers for me.we'll see what kind of options i have.
i also have a neighbor that's willing to watch the kids long term for very little,so if i can get a job,and i have my child support,we could make it here. i'm just trying to get it started.
i can't wait too long.it was put in a legal agreement that i'd put it on the market.of course i can try and buy it from TJ but i can't take too long or i'll get in trouble for not listing it.
other than that the judge ordered that no 'paramours" are to be around our kids at all.THANK GOD!!
we had it put in our little temporary agreement that there were to be no 'paramours' around between the hrs of 8 pm and 8 am if the kids were present.of course that took care of TJ trying to fly the kids up to colorado,and that took care of HER coming here b/c what's TJ gunna do,put her up in a hotel at night?doubtful. so the judge ruled it in the best interest of the children that "no paramours around the kids at all while we're still married". besides that the judge asked for a good reason he should allow it and all's my attorney said was "we don't have an issue judge" and TJ's attorney said "well, i think we're all in understanding that someone is going to move on at some point"
so of course then the judge spoke directly to TJ's table and said not at all.
i had 2 victories in court atleast.the money and his lover not having access to our kids.(the 2 things that would piss him off the most) i'm not happy about the house thing.but if it's ment to be God'll make us a way to stay.and there's that matter of TJ having sole possession of the kids for the 4 days he's home in november and then the 2 weeks of R&R next year -but he was supposed to come see them 3 times last weekend and he didn't,and it's doubtful he'll follow thru at seeing them much at all.maybe some,but not the whole time.he wouldn't know what to do with both of them.not to mention that's roughly 9 months from now,what's to say the kids aren't going to kick up a fuss at the sight of him anyway?
so that's an update.
i'm still holding out some hope and faith that he's going to come around and want us again but it's not hindering my thought process for moving forward and starting a new life.
i will keep you updated as things unfold!
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:22-26
we're also supposed to be selling the house.i was kind of weezled in to agreeing to it even though i wanted to keep it.i mean,really,who's going to refinance the house to me?i don't have a job yet.
i'm working on it,but it's not gunna happen over night.
so i have to figure out how to buy TJ out.in order to keep it.there's some folks crunching numbers for me.we'll see what kind of options i have.
i also have a neighbor that's willing to watch the kids long term for very little,so if i can get a job,and i have my child support,we could make it here. i'm just trying to get it started.
i can't wait too long.it was put in a legal agreement that i'd put it on the market.of course i can try and buy it from TJ but i can't take too long or i'll get in trouble for not listing it.
other than that the judge ordered that no 'paramours" are to be around our kids at all.THANK GOD!!
we had it put in our little temporary agreement that there were to be no 'paramours' around between the hrs of 8 pm and 8 am if the kids were present.of course that took care of TJ trying to fly the kids up to colorado,and that took care of HER coming here b/c what's TJ gunna do,put her up in a hotel at night?doubtful. so the judge ruled it in the best interest of the children that "no paramours around the kids at all while we're still married". besides that the judge asked for a good reason he should allow it and all's my attorney said was "we don't have an issue judge" and TJ's attorney said "well, i think we're all in understanding that someone is going to move on at some point"
so of course then the judge spoke directly to TJ's table and said not at all.
i had 2 victories in court atleast.the money and his lover not having access to our kids.(the 2 things that would piss him off the most) i'm not happy about the house thing.but if it's ment to be God'll make us a way to stay.and there's that matter of TJ having sole possession of the kids for the 4 days he's home in november and then the 2 weeks of R&R next year -but he was supposed to come see them 3 times last weekend and he didn't,and it's doubtful he'll follow thru at seeing them much at all.maybe some,but not the whole time.he wouldn't know what to do with both of them.not to mention that's roughly 9 months from now,what's to say the kids aren't going to kick up a fuss at the sight of him anyway?
so that's an update.
i'm still holding out some hope and faith that he's going to come around and want us again but it's not hindering my thought process for moving forward and starting a new life.
i will keep you updated as things unfold!
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:22-26
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
going overboard
here's another post. found a wonderful website called rejoiceministries.org.
i know i'm being silly today but i really like how this sounds.if i thought my husband would receieve it from me i'd send it to him. but he wouldn't read it.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE GRACE OF GOD
SOME OTHER MAN-
could be praying with my wife today.
could be hearing my wife say, "that's all right."
could know what it's like to play with my grandchildren.
could be getting goose bumps when my wife says, "I'm proud of you."
could enjoy having my wife call him, "Honey."
could be sitting in church with my wife.
could be feasting on my wife's cooking.
could know how it feels to hold hands with my wife.
could know what it's like to be intimate with my wife.
could be with my wife, children, and grandchildren on holidays.
BUT NO OTHER MAN-
could ever love my wife as I do.
could ever call my wife his covenant wife.
could ever know what it's like to be one flesh with my wife.
could ever love my children and grandchildren as I do.
could ever tap into the early memories of our marriage.
could ever have his family loved by my wife as is mine.
could ever know my wife on a real wedding night.
could ever look into my wife's eyes and know what she is feeling.
could ever really know that God had blessed their marriage.
could ever say nothing, yet communicate with my wife.
could hear my wife say, "I forgive you" and know that she has.
-Bob Steinkamp
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."Genesis 2:24
and then this is part of the devotional today on endurance. it was really good. this is just the last thing the woman said:
One of the secrets of endurance is being inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Your Lord has given you promises to you for you to develop endurance and patience for your marriage to be renewed, restored and reconciled by your Lord. Don't give up, run the race to win the prize that the Lord has for you and your family.
"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith." I Timothy 6:11-12
i know i'm being silly today but i really like how this sounds.if i thought my husband would receieve it from me i'd send it to him. but he wouldn't read it.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE GRACE OF GOD
SOME OTHER MAN-
could be praying with my wife today.
could be hearing my wife say, "that's all right."
could know what it's like to play with my grandchildren.
could be getting goose bumps when my wife says, "I'm proud of you."
could enjoy having my wife call him, "Honey."
could be sitting in church with my wife.
could be feasting on my wife's cooking.
could know how it feels to hold hands with my wife.
could know what it's like to be intimate with my wife.
could be with my wife, children, and grandchildren on holidays.
BUT NO OTHER MAN-
could ever love my wife as I do.
could ever call my wife his covenant wife.
could ever know what it's like to be one flesh with my wife.
could ever love my children and grandchildren as I do.
could ever tap into the early memories of our marriage.
could ever have his family loved by my wife as is mine.
could ever know my wife on a real wedding night.
could ever look into my wife's eyes and know what she is feeling.
could ever really know that God had blessed their marriage.
could ever say nothing, yet communicate with my wife.
could hear my wife say, "I forgive you" and know that she has.
-Bob Steinkamp
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."Genesis 2:24
and then this is part of the devotional today on endurance. it was really good. this is just the last thing the woman said:
One of the secrets of endurance is being inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Your Lord has given you promises to you for you to develop endurance and patience for your marriage to be renewed, restored and reconciled by your Lord. Don't give up, run the race to win the prize that the Lord has for you and your family.
"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith." I Timothy 6:11-12
i can't even think of a good title today.
i am zapped.
the kids are napping.
today has been a quiet day. no drama so far.
just silence.
i think that's going to be the hardest part to get over.
i can't just pick up the phone and call him b/c i want to.i can't just call to say hi.i can't just call to tell him some great story about the kids.i can't just call to say good night.and i am done telling him i love him.he knows.
it's time to have hope in God that TJ will have a repentant heart and come to him. God will change his heart when he's ready to.i also believe that no man can do what TJ has done and not come to place of complete repentance and heartache over how he has destroyed his life.
i don't believe that God is destroying us.I believe that he is making life hard for us so that we will lean on Him and seek out his help.I'm there. I just hope that TJ doesn't wait too long to answer his calling.
I know it's hard to believe that i would take him back.even i am amazed at how solidly i feel that way.of course there would be some serious boundaries set -it would be months before he even lived here again.and i would have to sit down and think what it would look like for him to be in a relationship with me again -there would be serious trust to rebuild.it can be done. but he's not going to like it.if he chooses us i have a plan for how it would have to look to even try, until then, this is why i am standing today to fight for my husband - and if he chooses us i believe that with God all things are possible.and without Him we would be nothing.
A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
- Author Unknown
"Do you believe that I am able to do this? According to your faith will it be done to you." Matthew 9:28-29
i am zapped.
the kids are napping.
today has been a quiet day. no drama so far.
just silence.
i think that's going to be the hardest part to get over.
i can't just pick up the phone and call him b/c i want to.i can't just call to say hi.i can't just call to tell him some great story about the kids.i can't just call to say good night.and i am done telling him i love him.he knows.
it's time to have hope in God that TJ will have a repentant heart and come to him. God will change his heart when he's ready to.i also believe that no man can do what TJ has done and not come to place of complete repentance and heartache over how he has destroyed his life.
i don't believe that God is destroying us.I believe that he is making life hard for us so that we will lean on Him and seek out his help.I'm there. I just hope that TJ doesn't wait too long to answer his calling.
I know it's hard to believe that i would take him back.even i am amazed at how solidly i feel that way.of course there would be some serious boundaries set -it would be months before he even lived here again.and i would have to sit down and think what it would look like for him to be in a relationship with me again -there would be serious trust to rebuild.it can be done. but he's not going to like it.if he chooses us i have a plan for how it would have to look to even try, until then, this is why i am standing today to fight for my husband - and if he chooses us i believe that with God all things are possible.and without Him we would be nothing.
A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
- Author Unknown
"Do you believe that I am able to do this? According to your faith will it be done to you." Matthew 9:28-29
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