Wednesday, September 9, 2009

going overboard

here's another post. found a wonderful website called
i know i'm being silly today but i really like how this sounds.if i thought my husband would receieve it from me i'd send it to him. but he wouldn't read it.

could be praying with my wife today.
could be hearing my wife say, "that's all right."
could know what it's like to play with my grandchildren.
could be getting goose bumps when my wife says, "I'm proud of you."
could enjoy having my wife call him, "Honey."
could be sitting in church with my wife.
could be feasting on my wife's cooking.
could know how it feels to hold hands with my wife.
could know what it's like to be intimate with my wife.
could be with my wife, children, and grandchildren on holidays.
could ever love my wife as I do.
could ever call my wife his covenant wife.
could ever know what it's like to be one flesh with my wife.
could ever love my children and grandchildren as I do.
could ever tap into the early memories of our marriage.
could ever have his family loved by my wife as is mine.
could ever know my wife on a real wedding night.
could ever look into my wife's eyes and know what she is feeling.
could ever really know that God had blessed their marriage.
could ever say nothing, yet communicate with my wife.
could hear my wife say, "I forgive you" and know that she has.
-Bob Steinkamp
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."Genesis 2:24

and then this is part of the devotional today on endurance. it was really good. this is just the last thing the woman said:
One of the secrets of endurance is being inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Your Lord has given you promises to you for you to develop endurance and patience for your marriage to be renewed, restored and reconciled by your Lord. Don't give up, run the race to win the prize that the Lord has for you and your family.
"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith." I Timothy 6:11-12
i can't even think of a good title today.
i am zapped.
the kids are napping.

today has been a quiet day. no drama so far.
just silence.
i think that's going to be the hardest part to get over.
i can't just pick up the phone and call him b/c i want to.i can't just call to say hi.i can't just call to tell him some great story about the kids.i can't just call to say good night.and i am done telling him i love him.he knows.

it's time to have hope in God that TJ will have a repentant heart and come to him. God will change his heart when he's ready to.i also believe that no man can do what TJ has done and not come to place of complete repentance and heartache over how he has destroyed his life.
i don't believe that God is destroying us.I believe that he is making life hard for us so that we will lean on Him and seek out his help.I'm there. I just hope that TJ doesn't wait too long to answer his calling.
I know it's hard to believe that i would take him back.even i am amazed at how solidly i feel that way.of course there would be some serious boundaries set -it would be months before he even lived here again.and i would have to sit down and think what it would look like for him to be in a relationship with me again -there would be serious trust to can be done. but he's not going to like it.if he chooses us i have a plan for how it would have to look to even try, until then, this is why i am standing today to fight for my husband - and if he chooses us i believe that with God all things are possible.and without Him we would be nothing.

A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
- Author Unknown

"Do you believe that I am able to do this? According to your faith will it be done to you." Matthew 9:28-29

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Left Behind

my husband left me.

for another woman.

3 weeks ago.

he told me that he hadn't been happy for a long time.
but rather than put me thru the strain of marrital strife (since i was pregnant with natalie at the time his unhappiness supposedly started) he decided to remain silent.
then, when he had decided what he was going to do - he came to me and said he simply wanted a divorce. no if's and or butts about it. not working on it. not trying. no chaning. no nothing. he was just done.
he told me all of this on august 18. we went to the counselor b/c he wanted some validation basically that it was better for us to call it quits before the deployment or wait it out and seek counseling in a year when he got back. of course the counselor said we were great. he told TJ that if we were a complete train wreck and there was no chance he'd let us know that we were done.
the following weekend Tj went away for 4 days to "clear his head and think.somewhere where there were no people and no phone calls and it was just him sorting his thoughts."
i let him go thinking he'd seek out good counsel among some of his close friends and they'd give him the kick in the ass he needed. he wouldn't tell me where he was going. but i made him tell someone so that if i needed him in an emergency someone knew where to find him.
that sunday he sent me a text "i'll be home by midnight".
he never came to bed though.
the next day i asked him where he was. he said "around". i told him that wasn't an answer. he said he went to enchanted rock. (i knew he was lying. we don't live 5 hrs away from enchanted rock.he would have been home before midnight if he had been there.
the next day i went to a friends house and left TJ with the kids all day just to kind of throw reality at him a little bit.
i searched his phone records.
i came across a billion phone calls to ft collins col. and finally came across a call that was nearly 4 hrs long. and then several more that were almost just as long.late at night. my friend called the was a woman on the voice mail.
i confronted him.
he finally admitted that he had spent his 4 day soul searching journey with her(stupid mother fucker!excuse my french!).
he filed for divorce on aug 26.
he has spent almost 14oo$ on plane tickets to see her in the last 2 weeks.
more truth keeps coming out as time goes on. he's had 3 relationships with 3 other women in the last 3 years.(1 of those could easily have been a one night stand but the other 2 were more)

i have been dropped on my ass.
left in the dirt.
someone ran off with the wagon and i got dumped out on my head.

a friend of mine told me tonight that she was amazed at my uncontrolled grace.she said that she would have shot someone by now -or at the very least taken a baseball bat to her husbands truck.

i don't know what's going to happen. i am so devistated that i don't even know where to begin to get angry. it's just not there.

his girlfriend called me the other night(i've talked to her quite a bit and there' alot of details i'm leaving out and when it's not the middle of the night i'll give you all the gory details.) she said she felt like tj was being very open and honest and that we needed to try and come to an agreement about either how we were goint to get thru this and be happy or how we were going to come to an agreement for a divorce decree.
she told TJ he needed to tell me what was wrong with the relationship that he had been hiding.
he said that i "didn't take care of myself like i used to......(b/c we met in the gym and i don't go anymore. forget that i've had 2 babies in 2 years and have next to no time for myself b/c he is NEVER home to give me a break) and that i wasn't an asset to society.
what the fuck does that mean?
his little friend even told him to be careful what he said to me b/c he was making me feel like i was nothing. she also stuck up for me in the sense that she had no idea how he could not love me b/c i had such a big heart. and the hardest job in the world is wanting to be home to raise my babies to be good ppl. and how could i not be an asset to society if i was raising my babies to be good assets to society?
yeah her tune eventually changed towards me but she was on my side at first.

anyway, i am no longer accepting phone calls from either of them. next time she calls i will talk to her long enough to say 'you are wrong. this is aren't my not call me again."
and i will talk to him long enough to tell him i will no longer speak to him with out a third part present that i trust -my lawyer my parents or my neighbors - and if he wants to see the kids he gets to see them outside of this house. i will meet him somewhere and we will talk about nothing but those babies.

he is trying to convience himself that i don't matter to make himself feel better about his actions.,that's why he has said all that bullshit.i know that. but i am so very angry that he could even feel that way. what does he expect? NAT isn't even 5 months old yet.i will NEVER look like i did when i was 20 again.the house will never be completely neat and tidy b/c there's toys everywhere.and fuck society!! just b/c i don't get paid to stay home and nutrure my kids and grow them into the little people that i want them to be does not by any means mean i am worthless!! if anything i'd say i'm pretty damn great!
and 2LT -i'm -too -big -for- my -britches can go to hell! he still doesn't have his college degree-granted he's working on it i wouldn't say he's such a great man at all.
the last 3 years of my life have been a whole lie!
now i love my babies. i wouldn't trade them for the world! but there are here b/c he had the preconceieved notion that they would fix everything! and that was his main motive for making them. to cover up the mess that i was totally oblivious too.
i had no idea.
that this was coming.
he dropped a bomb in my lap without a thought.
he even told me he didn't love me and was choosing this other girl.
he will never be happy.
so long as our mess follows him around for the rest of his life -and it will- b/c he didn't do anything to fix it and heal it -he will never be happy b/c he will bring our unresolved issues in to all of his next relationships.
and ya know what? i will be free from any guilt. b/c this is not my fault. he even told our counselor there was nothing i was doing to make him unahppy. he just didn't love me anymore.
he just wants to do what he wants to do.
it's purely selfish.
he will pay for his mistakes dearly one day. he will be crushed under the weight of all the lies he has told and all the running away he did.he's going to wake up and be totally alone b/c all of his motives are purely selfish.and when he come back to reality and realizes that he ripped his life apart with his bare hands he will be brought to his knees and there will be no one to help him pick up the pieces.

side note:
call me completely nuts b/c even i think i am nuts.but i have faith in love and God and restoration. i believe that if he chose to come back to us we could make it work. not without years and tons of hard hard work and trust buliding again.but we could get there if given the right kind of neighbors are living proof that you can take the crappiest of marriages and rebuild them to be better than you ever dreamed possible.but right now it's time to let him go.and it would take me some time to even think about what things would have to look like to me for us to be together. i am in the driver seat now.
i'm not signing off on the divorce b/c we aren't in agreement anyway. that gives God enough time to scare him so bad in iraq that he gets a major wake up call and be completely sick over what he has done.that gives him enough time to be so scared(and that day will come)that he will want nothing more than the comforts of home-the last 9 years of his life -the comfortable sweet sound of his wife's voice.and all's he gunna want is to come home -or to call. and he won't even be able to.b/c he destroyed home for him.
and if he doesn't atleast one day i will be able to tell my children that mommy didn't give up on daddy after 3 weeks.she gave him plenty of time to come back first.
i think if nothing else we should try to go to counseling just so that if things can be rebuilt our kids would know what it means to have a happy whole healthy family.
he needs to break the cycle of divorce in his life. the past doesn't rule him.(there's been a lot of instability and divorce in his childhood)he says he will break the cycle with this other girl.that doesn't mean he's breaking the cycle for himslef by divorcing me and sticking withsomeone else. and it certainly doesn't break the cycle for his kids.

anyway, i'm going to go to bed. it's been an awful 3 weeks.

i'll give you all the crazy details later.