Saturday, June 28, 2008

the saturday blues

i think koko needs to go to the vet.
my black cat.
the one who just entered his gentleman years - finally.
he's turned out to be such a sweet cat.
he's limping.

he came in the other day favoring his front right paw.
i've been keeping him inside the last 2 days. yesterday he seemed better.
he was putting weight on it. still hobbling around mostly but he was attempting to use it.
today i all by pushed him out of bed trying to get to the baby in a hurry this morning. then he scurried ahead of me and stopped right in my path and got all but trampled.(i was still so asleep and teege had a bottle in his bed that sounded as if it still had formula in it. formula that would have been sitting in his bed for the last 4 or 5 hours - the stuff spoils at a rapid rate so i've heard. i was trying to get there to get it away from him and all but ran the cat over)
and now he limps worse than ever.
he won't use his paw at all!
i think i should take him in to be seen.

i wish TJ would call so i could ask him what he wanted me to do.
i don't really want a vet bill.
but i was mulling over the idea and they all need their shots. all 4 of them. though i don't want to spend the money he needs to go in regardless.
and if it is broken i can't very well just leav it like it is.
i was thinking of going to moms but can't leav poor koko alone if he's really hurt. the neighbors don't need to worry about not letting him get outside. then i figured i'd just bring him, but then i'd have to bring shelby - the other cat. she'd be so lonley. then i figured i may as well just take us all to moms b/c they all need to get seen by the vet.
i may as well just do it.
i don't want to drag them all.
i'd have to take so much stuff!
i don't know what to do.
it'd be easier if i could just call tj and say "what would you prefer i do? please tell me so i don't have to make a decision"
then there's the ever lurking question of what i do if it's going to cost a ton to fix koko's foot.
tj would tell me just to put him to sleep if it's going to cost alot.
this is what i get for marrying a guy in the military. i have to think and do for myself more than i'd like to! (i know that sounds dumb! sometimes it's just easier when he makes the decisions-even if i have to act out the plan alone.)

i guess come tomorrow if koko is not any better the best place to start is at the vet with shots and an x ray.

i'll just go from there.

so i guess this means i'm going to pack us all up-both dogs, both cats, me and the child of mine.

it's going to be a car load!

Friday, June 27, 2008

look at me!

this is teege in the pool with baby eric.(my mom's neighbors little boy)

check out my new swim trunks!

happy water boy!!

you can't see them here. and i'm not sure when it happened, but there are 2 teeth!
they are just barely above the surface. and those suckers are sharp!! i'm almost positive both of his bottom front teeth are in. if it's not both of them the other one is not far from breaking the surface.
now i know why he was having such a bad week! poor guy! his mouth was really hurting!
he decided to chew on my finger today when we were in the pool and sure enough, i felt alittle pricking under my finger. not just hard baby gum.

my little boy is growing up.

friday night

i don't know what to do with myself.
the baby went to bed early.
leaving me to twiddle my thumbs starting at 6 30. i cleaned up dinner. changed the flood lights on the front of the house. drained the swimming pool -well, helped dry out the puddles is more like it. scrubbed the stove. washed and dried a load of laundry.
friday nights around here aren't what they usually are.
i was going to rent a movie off the tv. settle down with some popcorn and the rest of my pepsi(i wish it was coke. i couldn't get to the coke. in order to get to the coke i would have had to a) leave my baby sitting in the buggy while i hopped over to the next checkout stand and dug one out of the cooler or b) lost my place in line by dragging the whole buggy over there so as not to leave my kid unattended in a public place. so i settled for pepsi. it's just not the same.
but watching a movie alone is never any fun. it just makes me feel more alone than i really am.
tj has called 3 times this week.
we only managed to talk one of them.
monday the gave everybody 3 minutes to use the phones.

yes that's right..... i said 3 minutes.

they handed out random cell phones to groups and made them all share. by the time tj got his turn there was next to no battery left so our 3 minutes phone call was really more like a 45 second "i love you and i'm good and i can't talk b/c there's no battery but i didn't have long anyway. are you doing good? yeah i'm fine too. i gotta go babe. i love you!"

it sucked.

wednesday night they gave everyone 15 minutes of phone time AND gave them their personal cells back to use! but TJ was in the middle of doing his leadership training(i'm still not sure what all that entails) so when he actually was able to call he managed to get out a few words and then i hear someone yelling in the background "1 minute! 1 minute left!" and it was another rushed "i have to go but i'll try and get some more time and call again.i love you!"

finally thursday night he calls and he has a full 15 minutes to talk! and he has a bad signal!
we only lost eachother once though. i just couldn't hardly understand him most of the time. but he was there. living and breathing on the other end of the phone. and it was enough.

we are half way done. as of yesterday he will be home in exactly one month. i can do this.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

the solution to the problem

i called my in laws back. i just went ahead and told them that i wasn't coming today b/c my girlfriend was indeed going to be coming over for a play date(though i didn't know that for sure when i called them back. i just went ahead and fudged it a little.)
i asked my pop what time he was leaving tomorrow b/c i was going to be over thataway and was coming by anyway, even if he missed us.
"oh, no! i'll be here til at least noon! you just don't worry about it and come in the morning if you get a chance"
well that was easy. he's so much easier to deal with and make plans with than my other mother in law.
the women on "that" side of the family always make everything so urgent. everything has to be done right then and there! and here i find out that i have til noon tomorrow to see all 3 of them and no one has to miss out.
so here's the plan:
crystal is coming by around 4 30 -5ish so the boys can "visit". i figure depending on what time she leaves i will just pack us all up and both dogs and go to mom's tonight. that way i don't have to leave earlier in the morning to run the dogs by moms, then go see the inlaws, then go back to moms, where she will be making fried chicken for lunch. (the chicken was what started this whole unexpected trip down there! i don't pass up fried chicken. sometimes i even call and tell her"i'll come and visit if you'll make me some fried chicken.")
oh, the dogs. i have to bring them.
my neighbors are just coming back from vacation today. i'm not going to leave my animals in their care when they are post-vacation ragged out! my great neighbors - well, she's just to pregnant! and i don't want to add any more work to their load. they don't need to have to babysit my pets unexpectedly.
so i will put down extra food and water and clean litter for the cats. and the dogs and baby and me will just go see all the grandfolks.
t worked out after all.
i just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today!

annoyed annoyed annoyed!

i have had next to no sleep!
i called me in laws this morning. my fil works out of town. he's rarely home on the weekends these days. the live on some property with 3 houses.
i need to take teege out to see his great grama (she lives on their property). almost every time in the past that we have gone out there to see them my fil's wife (TJ's step mom. my other mil) has had to work and hasn't gotten to see teege.
i called this morning to talk to her and see if she had a few days off next week that i could bring out the baby to see her and great grama. mil2 is normally off on weekdays.
well my fil(Pop) is home this weekend. today but not tomorrow.
and they have their other 2 grand kids this weekend too.
so they wanted me to come out today. but they are going to the rode tonight around 7ish and won't be home this evening.
i hadn't planned on going anywhere!
AND a friend of mine was wanting to bring her 5 month old little boy by to play this afternoon.
this woudln't be a problem normally. it's just not plans that i had planned on making.
i tried to call my friend to see if she was still coming by - she didn't answer.
i guess i'll just have to play it by ear.
i was hoping to just go out their on a leisurley week day and visit with the 2 gramas. but now pop is home and the have other kids over.
this just irritates me!
i know, it's nothing to be bothered by really.
if crystal comes by i could probably still make it there by like 4 or 5. it's just not something i was planning on doing.
but if crystal does come by then i can just call them and tell them i still have afternoon plans and can't make it today.
problem solved..........

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

the weekly randomness.....

did i tell you i got to talk to tj this weekend?
yes, they gave them back their phones for nearly 24 hours. we talked several times.
he's doing well. said things aren't as tough as he expected them to be.
it was good to hear from him. he sounded happy. funny how things like that help you sleep better. i get next to no sleep when he's away. especially if i go several days in a row without hearing from him.

i'm waiting for teege to go to sleep. it's nap time.
then i am going to try and mow i guess. it needs to be done. i don't want to do it. but someone has to.

i went with my mom and dad yesterday to see my meme and papaw. it was our visit to them for papaw's father's day. we drank coffe and ate dirt pudding(YUMM!) and played with the baby. it was fun. it's hard to believe that i'm actually sitting around the table with them now and actually have grown up stuff to talk about.
used to we'd go visit and the grownups would sit in the kitchen and us kids would go watch tv or play in the other room. or read.

teege did not take one nap yesterday!
wait, i take that back. i put him down for his morning nap at 9 30 so he'd get some kind of nap. i had to wake him up at 11 so we could get ready to go. he didn't sleep anymore til bed time. not even in the car on the way there or back! he was fed, bathed, and in bed by 6 45. he woke up at 4 45 and i snuck in and gave him a new diaper and handed him a bottle. he can hold it by himslef so i went back to be. of course i went back in when he was finally quiet and took the bottle away. it's not good to leave it with them. if they sleep with it in their mouth it gives them bad teeth later supposedly.
and then he slept until 9 15! YEA! that hasn't happened in forever!
i actually got to sleep in today!

i have a box i have to get to the post office to send to TJ. it's all wrapped and ready to go. but i don't think we'll make it today.
around here, if you don't get to the post office before 11 you will wait in line for an hour.'s that busy.
so i guess we'll go after breakfast tomorrow.
i figure one more day won't delay it getting to him that much.

i guess if i am going to mow i better go do it. these nap times have been short as of late. i guess it's a good thing i don't have to get things done in a timely manner.

Sunday, June 15, 2008


maybe i am sleep deprived!
i feel unreasonably cranky this morning!
i have had company all weekend. not the bad kind of company, the kind of company you would like to have. the fun kind.
my girlfrined bekah has been here since friday.we haven't done much but cook and drink wine and talk and play with teege. oh, and we watched some movies yesterday.
she's going home sometime today i think.
it's been nice to have someone in the house that stays up later than 7pm and can talk back to me.

teege is supposed to be taking a nap. he's been wailing off and on for the past 15 minutes. i got him up once b/c he was carrying on so! we read a little bit out of a Mrs.piggle-wiggle book. then i laid him back down. he's finally being quiet. neighbor.
i'm watching their pets while they are at the coast this weekend.
normally this would be an easy task. it's always been pretty simple before. but this time i have to drag the baby with me next door, and it takes longer to square things away at their hous than it used to.
they have always had 3 dogs and 3 cats. feed them, water them, let them out to potty......that sort of thing.
now, on top of that they hage a gerbil!!! and 2 gardens that they would like watered twice a day.
gimmie a break! you're not paying me!
she promised she'd clean the gerbil cage before they left. she didn't. and when i went in to check on him last night he had no water! the bottle was completely dry!!
i called her right away. "is the water bottle for the gerbil this plastic blue thing?"
"yea,just squeeze the old water out and fill it up with fresh."
"it's empty. that's why i called.i wasn't sure what it was for b/c there's nothining in's bone dry."
"is it leaking?i filled it up the other day"
"no, it doesn't appear to be. i'll keep an eye on it."
i filled up the water, made sure it WASN'T leaking, thought to myslef "screw the friggin gardens tonight!" and came home after i tucked the dogs and cats in for the night.
i checked the gerbil's water again this morning. still full to the top!
this explains why most of the time when she watches my animals i come home and THEY don't have any water.
oops! i forgot to feed her fish. i'll get them tonight i guess.
and on top of all of that there isn't enough dog food to get us thru to next weekend. i've looked around for a new bag in their garage.i don't see any. i hope she bought some more and it's just not out in an obvious place b/c i really don't feel like going out to buy her any.
they've been planning this for a while, it just seems like they left in a hurry and left things at home for me to deal with.
that's ok.
the last time i was gone - for 5 DAY! - i asked her to scoop the cat box atleats twice. i even left her a note! she didn't do it. oh, and she only left clean water outside. hello,the spend time inside too! and it's hot. the bowl is right there. you can't miss it. fill it up!
AND, she mentioned the other day when i told her how chewy woke me up at 6 30 b/c he had to go potty she said "oh. that's funny he had to go out that early b/c i never come over before 11 when to let them out when you're gone."
"well if you let them go potty before bed it's not so bad but he didn't go the night before. and they can't go all night and til 11 the next morning without being uncomfortable. they won't go in the house. but the need to go out before then?"
i wanted to shake her and say "what's the first thing you do when you get up in the morning? don't you go pee? how'd you like it if i locked you in a cage and didn't let you out to pee til 11 am?"
but i kept my mouth shut.
she's getting out of hand with her kid and how irresponsible she is when she watches my dogs. i'm going to have to say something before too long. i have put up with years of this and i am done!

on a lighter note:
i got to talk to TJ this weekend!
he sounded GREAT!
he said things aren't near as bad as he thought they would be. and i was so relievedto hear that. i knew he was prepairing for the worst so that it would be a nice surprise if it wasn't that bad.
i'm so glad he's doing good!
he had to hand his phone back over at the end of the day saturday, and he said it might be next weekend before he got to call again.
but the important thing is that his doing so well and he's past the hardest part!
there's only 6 more weeks and then he'll be home!! YAY!

well i guess that's all i know for now!
my company is still in bed. it's 11 am. how nice is that??!!!!! i am almost jealous! though i would have a very hard time sleeping in that late. oh how i miss my days of sleeping in! but having teege around makes it worth it! and he sleeps til atleast 8, that's pretty good i think!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

the end of a good day

i got to lay out - for all of 15 minutes.
teege woke up shortly after i got all settled.
tomorrow i must remember to start face down. i am so uneven.

I am still waiting to here from TJ. i got one tiny little email from him last friday. i'm hoping maybe this is a weekly thing since he hasn't been allowed to call. last week they gave them 5 minutes to use the computers. he had enough time to say that he loved me and missed me and the he was good.
i've emailed him a few times since then but since he's not able to check his email regularly i don't want to clogg up is box with daily tidbits. so i try and keep it simple.
i've also mailed him a letter and a card for fathers day with a few pictures of the baby in it.

i got alot done today.
teege slept for 2 hours this morning.
i cleaned my bathroom, swept and moped the kitchen. vacuumed. got things tidy.
tomorrow i might try working on the porches.
they both need to be sprayed off and de-cobwebed.
and the back porch has tile that is covered in muddy dog prints that have long since dried and crusted on. that will need to be scrubbed. i better eat a good breakfast - that will take alot of elbow grease.

i went to target with my neighbor.
i've told you about her and her kid right?
we have a jealousy problem with her kid towards the baby. this wasn't a problem until recently.
he does not like it when his mother pays attention to teege. he is always telling her not to look at him or play with him or talk to him and then tells her she is a "bad girl" when she does it anyway.
today she tells me before we leave that "someone is feeling their oats today" i just looked at her."i think he's feeling a little jealous of the baby"
we get in the care.
i am strapping teege into his seat and the neighbor boy is getting in to his seatbelt.
i see him throw a nasty scowl at the baby.
and then another.
and then a third.
he was making this awful face!glaring at teege with his teeth bared and his eyes narrowed in to tiny slits. i think he was seriously thinking about pinching teege!
i got right to the bottom of that.
he had already been told once that if he didn't change his attitude we were staying home.
"brandon." i say this very sharply and he immediately looks at me.
"if you are not going to be nice to the baby we aren't going anywhere " (he had money he wanted to spend)
"if you are going to be mean to the baby we will stay here b/c i won't be able to let you ride sitting next to him if you are thinking about hurting, are you able to be nice?"
"yes ma'am" he says and turns to stare out the window.
needless to say i kept my eyes on him the whole way to target. now i know how all mommies get those eyes in the back of their heads. they just appear as motherhood becomes more real.
he kept his arms folded across his chest the whole time.
he was good the rest of the trip.
i don't understand why his mother doesn't keep better control of him.
he is always like this!!! always bitching or fit throwing or being bratty about something. "i want this. don't do that. don't look at me. buy me this. get me something to eat." and he back talks and pushes and pushes his limits.
oh yea, he has no limits. no one ever set any for him! he just does whatever he wants!
he can treat his momma how he wants to - and even then there were times that i wouldn't put up with him being mean to his mom when she woudln't do anything about it. and she still doesn't do anything about it. i have fussed at him probably more than he has ever been fussed at in his life by anyone else!
but this is a baby we are talking about. my baby. who has done no one any wrong aside from being too darn CUTE!! and he's picking a fight with the wrong momma this time.

but all in all it was a good day.
i bought some lean quisines at the store b/c they are so much easier than trying to cook something for just me. and you can only eat some much salad and sandwhiches.
i got some of the new flatbread melts ones. i tried the pesto and chicken with roasted peppers. it was good.
the pesto got old before i was done. but it wasn't bad.

and now i guess i must go to bed. i haven't been getting much good sleep so i better sleep while i can.

today is wednesday

i didn't now that.
that today is wednesday.
that's the one thing i hate about not having a "job" to go to daily.
i forget what day it is . and the date.

i need a shower.
it is 2 18 in the pm.
i want to lay out.
i want to be super tan this summer b/c last summer was a totaly flop! being pregnant and all.
teege just went to sleep.
do i take a shower and do house things? or do i go lay out.
i guess i will go lay out.
i can always do house things in the middle of the night when i can't sleep.

we are starting finger foods this week. it's going really well though i must say i was terrified to start the process. i took some pics today. i got some good ones with teege's face and hands covered in biter biscuit gunk.
he looks so proud of himself too!
i'll put them up soon.

once again the stupid women on my military wife message board are picking on me. this time it was about being afraid to start the finger foods.
one of the ladies was really nasty and told me that if i didn't let him start finger foods i was
"in essence of stifiling his developement". she also told me i was sending him a messed up message b/c i had given him a cereal puff thing and then tried to dig it out of his mouth as soon as he tried to eat it.
it was the first time i had given him anything small! it was also the first "real solid thing" i had given him to eat. not to mention he still has no teeth and doesn't try and gum or mash anything. he swallows everything whole.

i don't know why i bother with that site. the only reason i didn't tell her she was a bitch was b/c i didn't want to be kicked off. now i kind of wish i had.

here are a few other things she said to me.

Your kid is going to be on soft foods for life if you freak like that everytime he eats a food designed to be chewed yet not choke him. Those Gerber puffs are basically corn dust and air. Once they come into contact with any sort of moisture (like drool, which babies make by the gallon) they turn into mush which is what you are feeding him anyway, right? Are you CPR certified? If not, I highly reccomend it for all parents.

i responded with this.

not certified but they made us take the class when we were in the nicu so we'd know what to do if we needed to.he's certainly willing to try it out. the finger foods i mean.i bought the puffs b/c i hadn't given him anything small to pick up. he puts everything in his mouth so i had been waiting still.then i started thinking it might be time to try some finger foods.we started solids early, at 4 months.our peditiricain said he'd be ready for bigger foods when he started picking up things with his pincher grasp.(i hadn't seen him do this so i gave him something small enough to see if he could)i bought the puffs b/c i figured they'd soften faster than a cheerio and wanted to give him something easy to pick up that woudln't be slippery like a banana chunk,just to help him master the skill.


Then let him! Don't take it away as soon as you give it to him. That sends some messed up messages to your kid. You are in essence stifling his development by not letting him do what he is ready to do. If you are worried about what will happen if he chokes, educate yourself. Personally, I think every parent should have the bare minimum of first aid. Also, it's not about you. YOU are scared. YOU don't want to give him finger foods. This motherhood thing isn't all fuzzy bunnies and laugh tracks. It's scary and dirty and unpredictable. Learn to roll with it.

chavita don't talk to me about scary and dirty and unpredictable.i know more about than in my early days as a mother than you could imagine.we all have the things we are nervous about.let's just support eachother in them.

#1. If you are going to type my name, spell it right. #2. I'm not going to sugarcoat things to make you feel better. You put it out there. Don't expect everyone to be all RAH RAH RAH cheerleader GOOD FOR YOU!!! I will tell you the truth. Can't handle it? Oh well. Then don't put it out there or else learn to take other opinions as they come.

"chivita" i didn't mean to spell your name wrong. did i ask for ideas to make it easier? sure. wouldn't most new moms? had i done this before i wouldn't be edgy about it. i can deal with others opinions just fine. however i won't deal with being attacked.

You asked for advice. Was it something you wanted to hear? Probably not. I've got ONE kid. I've only done this child-rearing thing once and I am nowhere near done with raising my son. So it's not like what I told you came from years of experience raising multiple children. Oh, and this? {chavita don't talk to me about scary and dirty and unpredictable.i know more about than in my early days as a mother than you could imagine.}No, I don't know. And you don't know what I went through, or what anyone else went through. This isn't a competition to see who's had it harder. if it is, I don't want to participate because I know I've had it good and I am not the type to put on the Woe Is Me act. If you feel you were attacked, so be it. If you take an opinion that wasn't what you wanted to hear as an attack, then so be it.

after that i decided to ignore her.
i wanted so bad to tell her "my mom's neighbor has a dog names chivita and she is a bitch. she barks and growls at everyone!"
i just quit responding back.
she did attack me.
she was totally off subject.
i asked about what the best finger foods to start with were. not "hey what should i do about being scared about this?"
just b/c it made me worried and edgy didn't mean i was going to feed him mush for the rest of his life.

i wanted to throw my computer out the window i was so mad.

i am going to be done with those women.
they ignore all the new ppl anyway. it's rare for me to get more than one or 2 comments from anyone.
and in this case i just pissed someone off enough to keep it going :)

anyway, i guess if i am going to lay out i better get on it.
hopefully the sun is still out!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

good morning sunshine

bagels for breakfast

coffee with chocolate caramel creamer

we went for a walk this morning. we put a letter in the mail to TJ. enclosed was 2 page letter of silly events that had occured since he left. i also sent him a blank envelope with a stamp(he didn't take any with him) so that he could write back if he got the chance(i don't know that he'll get the chance. when he was deployed hes sent me 1 postcard from canada(when he was on his way to kosovo they stopped there briefly) and he sent me a box of goodies with christmas ornaments from germany(i was so jealous that he got to shop in germany over christmas!).that was all he mailed.the rest of the time he sent if he gets a spare moment i have expect him to find a computer to email me from.
but it helps him to get "real mail". there's just something about getting a real letter when you are away from home.he always says.
teege is in his bed. waiting to fall asleep. he is in there bitching me out. cursing my name. i just know that is what he's doing. he was dozing in the stroller on the way back to the house. it's about time for a nap anyway.and though he seemed oh so sleepy while he was lazily strolling along with the sun bathing his face(don't worry, it's very cloudy this sun only appeared from time to time) i put him in his crib and he comes alive.

i guess i better get on the ball if i'm going to do anything before i go to my moms.
i am going to lay out during tj's 2nd nap. i bought some hawaiian tropic tanning oil and a new bathing suit(bright orange with white pokadots) so i have to do some sprucing up so i get plenty of sun time this afternoon.
oh,when i was shopping yesterday i was torn between 3 bathing suits. the orange,a green one just like it,and a 2 piece that looked like a onepiece that i would use only if i was going somewhere where i would actually be seen it.
i made my decision and put the green up and then went and stuck the other one back. when i turned around to get the buggy teege had pulled the green pokadot suit off the rack and had it in his mouth!
i guess he was trying to tell me which one his favorite was. but i still went with the orance.

it's all quiet around the house now so i better make the most of it so i can go to my mom's and not feel like i'm leaving a dirty housebehind. there's nothing worse than coming home to a dirty house when you have been gone. no one wants to clean after "being on vacation"

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

a full mind does not sleep....

remember me?

i used to post daily. sometimes more than once. some days it was all i did between naps times and play times and feedings.

it's been a while.

the funny things is that i feel like i have nothing to say.

oh i do.

there's plenty.

but i keep starting a post and then delete it b/c i put in so much detail and tid bits of thoughts that i forget what i ever started blogging about.

tj left for ocs friday.

it seems like forever ago.

he'll be home in 53 more days.

he was late.

somehow the ppl that rearrange their flights and schedules and all that -yeah, someone overlooked what day ocs actually started so they got their saturday when they should have been their friday morning. i wonder if that made things that much worse for him? the course is already extremly tough, his group was the last one to show up. i wonder if it really mattered that much since it wasn't a like they just decided they didn't want to arrive on time. it was someone elses mistake.....

he made us miserable the last 2 days he was home.

he always detaches before he goes anywhere, no matter where he's going.

the last 2 days he was home he just kind of moped around. watched alot of tv. didn't really want to talk to hang out. he just kind of sucked himself all inside.

thrusday i got mad at him b/c he went to get some money from his brother and i wanted to go and he didn't want to wait.

Teege was just waking up from his nap. all's i had to do was make a bottle and throw some things in a diaper bag. i told him "atleast this way, if you're gone for a long time we'll still be hanging out as a family."

he said "well, if you really want to....." and then trailed off.

so i sent him on his way.

that was at 11 am. by 2 pm i was pissed! i had done a few things to get some of his stuff packed and decided i was going to mow the grass.

why does this matter you wonder?

it matters b/c that is the one thing he has always done for me before he goes anywhere. not that i can't do it myself. but it's always been one of the things that he does to take care of me before he's gone and i have to handle it all!!

i had been hintint that it needed to be done.(we always do it together. i mow he trims) so i get out there and get it done!

he calls at 3. all sad and irritated b/c he's still out instead of at home, spending time with us.

i tried to tell him didn't i?

he comes home an hour later and sees that not only had i done some things to help him pack but i had mowed the grass.

i thought he was going to cry.


i wanted to make him feel bad. to show him that i didn't need him. he could feel as sorry for himself as he wanted that he was leaving for a bit but don't worry about me. i can handle EVERYTHING.
but i didn't want to make him feel that bad.

teege has been conjested today. not much. but enough.he woke up from his nap all rattley and wheezy.
so i ran the humidifier in his room tonight. just in case.
i don't think he's sick. i think it was just one of those wierd things your body does when your asleep and makes you wake up all cruddy.

i should go to bed.
it's late.
but i'm not tired yet.

why is it that you waller in the glorious idea of being able to do whatever you want to do when you want to do it, only to feel guilty when the time is actually here for you to do your own thing?
once the routine settles in of"dadd'y not here to take care of, it's just me and the baby and i can take the baby anywhere anytime" i won't feel guilty. but it take atleast a week of TJ being gone before that routine becomes routine.
this week i have felt terribly sorry for myself whenever i have stayed up late, slept in - as much as the baby will allow - gone to target 2 times, walmart 2 times. not done anything all day that i didn't want to do - and felt miserably guilty each time.
next week will be different. it will be back to the same ol' doing things around the house routine. only it won't be such a short day. i can do things after dinner and bath time and bed time b/c there is no one else to work around.
and sometimes that gets old.

i'm going to see my mom on thursday.
i haven't decided when to come home.
the nieghbors will watch the animals.
i might come back sunday.
or monday.
or not........

it's terribly windy outside tonight.

i guess i'll go to bed now.
i've brought you up to speed as best i can.
i guess that is all.

i'll try not to be such a stranger.
hopefully my next post won't be quite so long and full of frustrating details from days of not posting!