a full mind does not sleep....

remember me?

i used to post daily. sometimes more than once. some days it was all i did between naps times and play times and feedings.

it's been a while.

the funny things is that i feel like i have nothing to say.

oh i do.

there's plenty.

but i keep starting a post and then delete it b/c i put in so much detail and tid bits of thoughts that i forget what i ever started blogging about.



tj left for ocs friday.

it seems like forever ago.

he'll be home in 53 more days.



he was late.

somehow the ppl that rearrange their flights and schedules and all that -yeah, someone overlooked what day ocs actually started so they got their saturday when they should have been their friday morning. i wonder if that made things that much worse for him? the course is already extremly tough, his group was the last one to show up. i wonder if it really mattered that much since it wasn't a like they just decided they didn't want to arrive on time. it was someone elses mistake.....



he made us miserable the last 2 days he was home.

he always detaches before he goes anywhere, no matter where he's going.

the last 2 days he was home he just kind of moped around. watched alot of tv. didn't really want to talk to hang out. he just kind of sucked himself all inside.



thrusday i got mad at him b/c he went to get some money from his brother and i wanted to go and he didn't want to wait.

Teege was just waking up from his nap. all's i had to do was make a bottle and throw some things in a diaper bag. i told him "atleast this way, if you're gone for a long time we'll still be hanging out as a family."

he said "well, if you really want to....." and then trailed off.

so i sent him on his way.

that was at 11 am. by 2 pm i was pissed! i had done a few things to get some of his stuff packed and decided i was going to mow the grass.

why does this matter you wonder?

it matters b/c that is the one thing he has always done for me before he goes anywhere. not that i can't do it myself. but it's always been one of the things that he does to take care of me before he's gone and i have to handle it all!!

i had been hintint that it needed to be done.(we always do it together. i mow he trims) so i get out there and get it done!

he calls at 3. all sad and irritated b/c he's still out instead of at home, spending time with us.

i tried to tell him didn't i?

he comes home an hour later and sees that not only had i done some things to help him pack but i had mowed the grass.

i thought he was going to cry.

literally.

i wanted to make him feel bad. to show him that i didn't need him. he could feel as sorry for himself as he wanted that he was leaving for a bit but don't worry about me. i can handle EVERYTHING.
but i didn't want to make him feel that bad.

teege has been conjested today. not much. but enough.he woke up from his nap all rattley and wheezy.
so i ran the humidifier in his room tonight. just in case.
i don't think he's sick. i think it was just one of those wierd things your body does when your asleep and makes you wake up all cruddy.

i should go to bed.
it's late.
but i'm not tired yet.

why is it that you waller in the glorious idea of being able to do whatever you want to do when you want to do it, only to feel guilty when the time is actually here for you to do your own thing?
once the routine settles in of"dadd'y not here to take care of, it's just me and the baby and i can take the baby anywhere anytime" i won't feel guilty. but it take atleast a week of TJ being gone before that routine becomes routine.
this week i have felt terribly sorry for myself whenever i have stayed up late, slept in - as much as the baby will allow - gone to target 2 times, walmart 2 times. not done anything all day that i didn't want to do - and felt miserably guilty each time.
next week will be different. it will be back to the same ol' doing things around the house routine. only it won't be such a short day. i can do things after dinner and bath time and bed time b/c there is no one else to work around.
and sometimes that gets old.

i'm going to see my mom on thursday.
i haven't decided when to come home.
the nieghbors will watch the animals.
i might come back sunday.
or monday.
or not........

it's terribly windy outside tonight.

i guess i'll go to bed now.
i've brought you up to speed as best i can.
i guess that is all.

i'll try not to be such a stranger.
hopefully my next post won't be quite so long and full of frustrating details from days of not posting!