Sunday, November 2, 2008

reflections

one year ago today:















i was laying in the living room floor at about 10 am thinking to my pitiful self " i have to get up! i need to go fix my hair in case we have to go to the hospital!"
but i could only lay there, with my leg thrown up over the fireplace. there was no way i could get myself standing upright without help.so i called in my husband and asked him to help. when he asked me why i wanted to get up i explained. he laughed. not in a bad way. just in one of those guy like "that is the silliest thing i have ever heard. but i am going to humor her so i don't loose a limb."
i had to sit on the edge of the bath tub while wielding my flat iron skills. i was so tired. and achy. and i just didn't feel good.
flash forward:
i went out with TJ to run some errands. i had had success the day before - when i thought i was in labor also-with moving around helping stop contractions.that was what the book said to do. the contractions would stop with activity if they were false labor contractions. so i went out and rode around while TJ picked up transcripts from the local college.
when we got home i started to cry when i had to get out of the truck. i just could thinking of climbing down to the ground. TJ drives a plain old chevy silverado 4x4. it's not that big. oh but it felt so very high up that day. i sit in the front seat and cry. as TJ comes around to help me down i just cry harder b/c crying made the cramping and aching in my belly and legs worse.
"well i could have told you that!" he chuckles as he helps me climb from the seat.
"maybe we should call the hospital" he suggests.
"not yet. i want to eat lunch first. i don't want to go and then have them send me home b/c it's not real labor."
i prepared a lovely lunch of grilled cheese and tomato soup.......i never got to eat it.
as soon as i sat in my chair i jumped right back up.
"i can't sit down!!" i screeched.
TJ is sitting in the chair - looking at me like i have gone nuts
i'm pacing - no, more like dancing - about the kitchen. shaking my arms and hands like i'm preparing for a boxing match.
i felt like i was having the worst back pain in the world! the kind of back ache that comes with "aunt flo" only it was, well, impossible. all's i could do was stand up and lean over the counter with me head in my hands.
wave one went away almost as quick as it had come.
i sit again. only to experience the exact same thing.
on wave 3 i asked TJ to please bring me my cell phone so i could call L&D at the hospital.
there was no since in calling the dr. it was friday. there was no way i could get in to be seen. i just wanted the hospital to know we were on our way.
the nurse there tried to contact my dr at the clinic -which is part of the hospital thank GOD!
with no luck she told me to go ahead and come in. skip all the admissions and registration, just come straight up stairs.
we were out the door when the phone rang again. the dr had called the nurse back and told her to have me come to the clinic first.
i have no idea how i made it from the parking lot up to the clinic. i remember the nurse calling me name and when she saw me leaning against the wall, breathing thru my teeth with my eyes shut tight she says "are you in labor?" all shocked like she thought i was crazy- or possessed.
i glared at her "i hope so b/c if this is false labor i will die before this baby is ever born! i can't move right now, give me just a sec.
she stands there waiting. and then puts me thru the routine check in. vitals. weight check. blood pressure. urine sample.
i have no idea how i made it thru all that other than sure fire will.
flash forward:
i was admitted to the hospital between 2 and 3 that afternoon.
baby TJ was on his way.
the nurses yelled at me for moving when i got my epidural. you're not supposed to do that. of course. a giant needle in your back, why would you move? funny thing,even though i was still having crazy close together contractions,all's i could think about when i was having my epidural was that there was a totally young and VERY HOT anaesthesiologist performing the task and my butt was showing.
they eventually had to let my body labor the baby down before i do any real work b/c lo and behold those epidurals kick ass!! i couldn't feel anything! which means that i could DO anything to get the baby out. so they turned the dose down. they turned it down a little the first time. nothing happened. so the next time the dr came in she had the anaesthesiologist come back and turn it down again. another hot dr! at least me butt wasn't showing this time! he turned it down so low that i could feel, well, more than hoped for. my back was on fire.i was terrified.i even tried to tell my dr that i was too tired to do anymore at one point.
no one listened. once i got over being scared everything clicked in to place.
Baby Timothy James was born at 9 33 pm. weighing a healthy 7lbs 10oz. he was 22 inches long.
he never cried. he kind of screeched -like a dinosaur. then he would just moan. kind of wheez.
his lungs were still full of fluid. the pediatrician on staff said "as wierd as it sounds he just doesn't smell right. all new babies have a new born kind of smell right after they are born and they all pretty much smell the same. he smells off. with the leak you had in your water going undetected we don't know how long he was unprotected. he needs intravenous antibiotics and we need to get his lungs clear and i think ti's in his best interests to send him to the NICU over in temple."
it took them 2 hours to come and get him.
which means that he wasn't totally as seriously threatened by death as i thought.looking back on it now i'm sure it wasn't as tragic of a situations as it felt at the time. but in my new mommy brain all's i could think of was that they were sending him away b/c he was sick and it was bad.
they had him on oxygen.
no one brought him to me though he was just across the room.i had to ask to hold him before they took him away. i had to ask to try and nurse him -actually my sister asked for me b/c i was so confused about things i wasn't thinking about nursing him before we were separated for days at a time.
i got to hold him and cuddle him and try and nurse him for a few minutes.
then his oxygen level alarm went off b/c it got too low and the nurse took him back. it was too risky for him to be messed with.
all's i could do then was sit in my bed and watch him from a distance.
the helicopter came with a team of nurses to prepair him for his first helicopter.i'll put up pics of this. their flights suits had reflective material on them. when ever one of the nurses got in a photo their suits would light up. they look like angels come to see him safely thru.
they put leads on him hooking him up to monitors for his breathing and his heart.blood was drawn. they wrapped him in blankets and put him in an incubator.
once all was settled and ready to go they wheeled him away.
i didn't even get to tell him good bye.
flash forward:
we were released from the NICU a week later. on November 9th.
the baby and i were separated for a mere 48 hrs or so -if that. it seemed like forever.
I made big TJ go with the baby. he needed us. and i couldn't go. TJ still says to this day that was the hardest thing he ever had to do was leave me after everything i had just been thru, even though he knew the baby needed him more. i had to just about force him. managing to convince him finally that i would be fine b/c i was old enough to tell folks what i needed and the baby wasn't. he needed a familiar voice amongst all the chaos. and i knew that my parents wouldn't leave me alone under the circumstances.
the days spent in the NICU were almost sleepless- alot of that was due to hormones and adrenaline overload. the rest was due to pure new parent worrying.
with his conditions and breathing lapses and chocking spells -mostly due to him not clearing his airways well when he would spit up- and the reflux we were put thru an infant cpr class. that was tough for me to get thru. especially since the day they asked us to go was the day we found out that he had chocked on his own bile and quit breathing long enough to turn blue.
he was the healthiest baby in the nicu. had he not been hooked up to all those machines he might have suffocated himself if not for the oxygen alarms.
teege was sent home with an apnea monitor to avoid any future serious breathing lapses and a couple of medicines for the reflux.
on a lighter note: some humor we found during our stay: the dr that did his circumcision was named dr. whacker.
isn't that funny!!
when he was 3 months old he was removed from the apnea monitor. the specialist that we took teege to see looked at the monitor activity and examined him well and instructed us to "get rid of that machine. it's doing you more harm than good. he's just having normal infant breathing lapses that all babies have, most parents just don't know they have them b/c not everyone is sent home with a monitor."
at 4 months his dr had us start him on cereal. it would either worsen the reflux or make it better.
it helped tons! and he was off his meds by 5 months.

he is now a healthy loud rough tough little boy.
he is a happy kid! he never cries or fusses unless his teeth hurt, he is hungry or tired. i have to monitor his diaper changes or he would sit in a wet diaper all day. he just doesn't care.

he cut his first 2 teeth at the same time at 7 months old.
he was crawling by 8 months.
he was pulling up on furniture by 10 months and cruising around while holding on to things by 11 months.
and today he is 1 year old.
he dances to music. he loves to bop around to the theme for General Hospital.
he thinks everything is some kind of wonderful new treasure.
and he loves to learn new things!
he picks stuff up off the floor he doesn't think he should have - like pieces of dog food or plastic or wads of dog hair -and brings them to me to throw away.
he knows when i have food. i can't eat anything when he is awake without having to sneek it if i don't want to share!
he says "da da" and "ko ko(which is the name of one of our cats.) "nana" for banana. and "nye nye" for "nite nite" when he's ready to go to bed. yes! that's right. it's very helpful. when he's ready for sleep he tells us! he only says "mama" when prompted. unless he is crying. then i don't hear the end of it.
he loves to turn the lights on and off.
he has 5 teeth.
we are introducing baby signs and he can tell me when he see or wants to see the dogs.
when he wants "more" of something to eat or when he "all done" with what he is eating.
he is a joy.
he can be extremely hard to keep up with at times b/c he is super fast. and i get tired of chasing him at time. but i can see what a wonderful gift he is.

we are blessed. i believe that, even though alot of his problems found in the nicu were fixable and probably somewhat normal for new borns, we are lucky to have him.
i love you little baby!
my precious little boy!
I hope that the world is kind to you.I hope that you stay a little boy for as long as you can because no one should have to grow up before their time.there is much responsibility that comes with being a grown up so enjoy your time as a kid.But more than that I pray that you are never afraid to take on the challenges that life offers and learn from each mistake you make along the way. Life carries great lessons. Find eagerness to learn them.
You are a blessing to us. A gift that will never go without us giving thanks for.
you make me very happy little one! you have presented to me a new meaning for life.
I love you always.
Happy Birthday.
May there be many many more to come!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! I can't believe you remember so much! I didn't realize I'd never heard the tale straight from you until I read this! I was just the person 4 hours away on the other end of the phone waiting and waiting for each bit of news.

I love YOOOOOU! I love ALL of you!
Happy Birthday to the best nephew ever!

jellybean said...

i wanted to put in so much more too! but it would have been the biggest book probably ever written so i skipped some stuff. i never realized i hadn't told you the whole story either.

we love you too! can't wait to see you!

Cupcake Blonde said...

That is quite the story! And very detailed. I'll be lucky to remember if the baby came out. :) My favorite part is you worrying about your butt due to the HOT anethetsiologist.

What a year! And things turned out so wonderfully!

jellybean said...

ah yes. my butt. i was very upset about that.oh well. i'm sure the dr's are all used to that atleast.